Jason derulo

Not sure if you guys have heard of him, but he's the guy who sang "in my head".

Fun, clubbish-type of song. That in itself is great shakes.

But the song never fails to make me smile because it was THE song of the moment when i was in China, during the asean-china youth camp, where i met ZW

I think i'm getting old...

It's been ages since i last visited a club.

With my busted ankle, limited stamina and alcohol-dulled senses, i'm actually blogging.

Hmm.. Think i'm over this whole clubbing thing.

Oh, and i'm getting old.

Inward looking

I can't remember what sparked the conversation, but one balmy night after work, i started talking to this editor.

And somehow, the conversation drifted to moving overseas.

The editor then gave me this sage advice: "a relationship has to be very strong if a couple decides to uproot and move overseas."

"And it's important to have a core group of friends, otherwise, the relationship becomes inward looking, and can crumble."

That statement struck me, simply because ZW has expressed a desire to go overseas.

And really, in all likelihood, i would go with him. Japan, London... Wherever the winds blow us.

Since i have no concrete plans, it's highly likely that i'd not do anything for a while, trying to set up a home in a foreign land.

Would i be able to set up a strong support network too? Or would i become so overly dependent on ZW for human contact that it strangles him?

When we holidayed in Japan, i broke down at one point because i felt so isolated.

Deep into our vacation, ZW was the only person whom i could speak to, converse with, ask questions of. He was my intepreter, my only contact.

And when he chose not to talk to me, or do translation, i felt all alone and isolated.

So the idea of going away for a prolonged period of time, while exciting, is also very, very scary.

Relationships are like rechargeable batteries...

When it's new, everything it touches is super fired up and energised.

And then the battery power starts to fade. If you remember, you quickly plug yourself into a wall socket to get a much needed boost.

Health restored, you're ready to go again.

But sometimes, something major hits and it drains the power so quickly, you're left with nothing to work with. And left wondering what the hell happened.

I'm not sure, but i think i just got hit. And there's no wall socket in sight.

mindfucked

I'm not a fucking mind reader. So don't blame me if my well-meaning intentions do not comply with your non-communicated desires.

This is ridiculous on so many levels.

Mindfucked.

Now the quake gets personal...

I suppose you must have heard that the biggest earthquake to hit Japan struck on Friday afternoon.

I spent the whole day chasing down Singaporeans to interview, and finally got through.

Just when I thought I was done with the situation.. well, the situation just got personal.

My mum and sis are en-route from New York to Japan, before coming back to Singapore.

The last I heard, their flight got delayed, and I'm not sure whether chaos would greet them at Japan. I just hope flights can still get out of Narita.

And now the boyfriend is being sent to the actual disaster site to report.

I'm terrified. The whole newsroom was fixated on the images coming out of Sendai. Entire coasts, homes, vehicles, farmland were wiped out in sheer minutes. The tsunami spread so quickly, some cars became trapped. We saw people run out of their cars and make a dash for it, running somewhere, anywhere, to get away from the black water threatening to overwhelm them.

Aftershocks are expected. And ZW might be walking into them. Hello sleepless nights..

A snippet of what happens when logic meets excitement...

It all started with an article from the New York Times travel section...

me:  http://travel.nytimes.com/2011/03/06/travel/06bahia-bustamante.html?ref=travel

Lin:  Rooms are $215 a night, including three home-cooked meals a day and all the malbec you can throw back.

wow

if that isnt ex i dunno what is...

me:  but but but... it's 400 guests allowed in a year!!!

it's all the wildlife nature up close and personal

Lin:  yes yes

it does seem very good

(.. some discussion..)

Lin:  if i were to go, i would stay at least a week

and buy at least one expensive telephoto lens to bring along

a trip like this would cost me at least 5k sgd

me:  yessss but wouldn't it be totally worth it???

that's like a trip of a lifetime!

Lin:  there are many "trips of a lifetime"

me:  ostriches!!!  penguins!!!

Lin:  italy for me was a trip of a lifetime

me:  especially penguins!!!

!!!!!!!!!

Lin:  japan was a trip of a lifetime

you take the bait too easily baby

you're the advertiser's dream

me:  .... you just deflated all my exclamation marks

now i feel empty

Lin:  haha just want you to get real

there's no such thing as trip of a lifetime

unless you intend to die after your last trip

me:  why can't i have multiple trips of a lifetime??

every trip should be memorable!

Lin:  because then the phrase wont have any meaning

what does trips of a lifetime mean??

me:  it means i've had a good life

so there

Lin:  ...

New project

So…. I’ve started a new blog. Borne out of a need to do something new, a secret desire to a be travel writer, and an appreciation for ZW’s photos.

I’ve created a travel blog. Still trying to get the tone right. It’s a cross between travel writing and travel information.

Whenever I travel, I do get requests from friends asking about accommodation and things to do. So here it is!

Let me know if you have any thoughts! All comments appreciated!

It’s called He Shoots, She Writes. For obvious reasons.

There are only 2 posts so far… but I’m getting there!

Spending Time With The Girls

It’s always a challenge finding time to meet up with my friends. If I’m not working, I’m usually passed out on my bed. If I’m lucky, I get to squeeze in time with my honey bunny.

Just the other day, we both realised that the honeymoon period is pretty much over and the starry-eyed lovers ain’t so starry-eyed anymore.

Cute quirks have been replaced by annoyances, tempers are a little more frayed, and arguments are a lot more frequent then necessarily.

We both agreed that we spend so little time together that it’s almost like we have to reestablish a connection each time we meet.

Guess what people, we are no longer just giggly lovers. We’re – dare I say it – in a relationship. Oh help us both.

Anyway, that aside, I was talking about meeting up with the girls.

First up – celebrating Sylvia’s birthday! Shawn was upset that we didn’t wait for him… but it’s very difficult coordinating 4 people’s schedules, ok?

We gave Sylvia something cute and cuddly to hug at night. Just what every girl needs. :)

Meet meh-meh!

Disgustingly good chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream

Meh-meh and chicken in a basket.

What? Cannot act cute issit?

Happy birthday girl!

Next up… meet the volleyball girls. I can’t believe it’s been more than a year since I last saw them. It’s amazing how we can go from seeing someone 3 times a week for 3 years… to not seeing the person for a year.

We’ve all aged a little – a little more jaded, a little more tired, but still a whole lotta bitchy. HAHA!

Meet: The special education teacher, the normal teacher, the reporter, the finance analyst, the banker

For some strange reason, the flash on my camera only lit up half the picture. Damn lighting in IndoChine.

Say cheese!

A Tale Of Two Differences

Attraction can sure be a funny thing. There's really little basis for it - all that talk about commonalities and whatnot.. I'm more inclined to believe the whole "opposites attract" theory.

Just look at ZW and I.

I email him fruity articles about love and attraction. He emails me stuff from the Economist about property markets.

When we browse at magazines stands, he heads for the current affairs and photography section. I'm permanently parked in the entertainment and fashion portion.

As he describes his passion for the Discovery channel, I'm nodding and flicking over to E! Entertainment.

I have this mental image of us sitting on a couch in some distant future, and he's reading the Financial Times (which he says he loves) and I'm flipping People magazine.

I think the reason why this somehow still manages to work is that we don't try to change who the other person is. Sure, there are differences that annoy and grate on one another. Things that can end in shouting matches or angry words being exchange. (I swear he's the only person who can sound annoyed saying "Baby!")

But at the end of the day, we are who we are (shit, did I just quote Ke$ha? Or as Principal Figgins from Glee would call her, "Ke-dollar sign-ha")

Some people go into relationships thinking you can mold the other person into this ideal personality, or that something you dislike can be changed over time.

If I've learnt anything, it's that people don't change that much. Just that love can make you want to compromise on certain points, slow that sharp tongue and think before yelling.

And another thing I love about ZW - he said he doesn't believe in compromise, 'cos that means giving up something about yourself. Rather, a relationship is about understanding and seeing the other person's point of view, instead of just caving in for the sake of harmony.

<3<3<3

Random photos of us

Thought it'd be nice to put up some photos that are either too random, or too few to make it to facebook.

Ever since ZW bought me a camera, I've been snapping a lot more pictures, but never know what to do with them.

Hey, what's a camera for, right?


When Cheryl was back in Singapore


Our Christmas stay Wanderlust


Cam-whoring in the glass lift


Dinner at the hotel's restaurant, Cocette. Fabulous food. Stuffed ourselves silly


Christmas day lunch with the family

I'm Stuck In A Rut

At work, in life... just stuck.

It's like being in limbo - there's no sense of movement, just a floating sensation that time is passing me by, but nothing concrete is happening.

It gets worse.. I'm not even sure what's a viable alternative. Seriously, I think I'm in a sucky position, but what's a better option?

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. I had a defined path, I was actively pursuing it.. and then the winds blew me here. And I've been here for 3 years, and still not sure what I'm doing.

And that's really the story of my life. I see the pattern repeated over and over again. Just when I put my mind down and decide on a course of action, after I've made peace with it... the winds of fate blow me completely off course.

So am I waiting for the next gust of wind? Have the heavens grown bored of me? Am I finally left to my own devices?

Yes, I'm in a rather dramatic mood at this hour.

In other, completely unrelated news... I met a mutual friend of F and mine today. We starting chit chatting and I know he meant no harm..

He mentioned that F told him bits and pieces of how things ended, and he said I cheated on him.

Cheated. Such an ugly word.

But I guess it was simply calling a spade a spade.

I don't regret my decision, I really don't.

Perhaps the only thing I do possibly regret is that I started something when I was still in a relationship.

But hey, the best advice I received, strangely enough, came from F.

He said the heart is seldom wrong.

The Pursuit of Patience

The more I stay in this job, the shorter my patience is. Seriously.

When deadlines are counted not in weeks, not days, but in HOURS... every second becomes important.

Every decision starts taking on consequences - do I eat lunch to power through the day, but it's 1.30pm and 2pm requires a few lines... you get the point.

And because time is so tight, I have no patience for long chats.

The brutal nature of broadcast is that you spend very little time actually talking to your interviewee, trying to get to the bottom of things. Because ultimately, that 30 minute interview is going to turn up as a 20-second soundbite.

And so, sadly, I'm starting to apply that to my life. I find myself increasingly cutting people off mid-sentence.

Like my brain is on auto-mode, and if my brain assesses that your sentence is going nowhere, I jump in with questions. If you start rattling, I get impatient and try to divert the conversation to something more interesting. Skip the soliloquies please, and just get to the point.

ZW hates that. I can't entirely blame him. He thinks I'm not listening. He's wrong - I'm just selectively listening.

Shit, I have the attention span of a cockel spaniel.

I got on the weighing scale today...

And got the shock of my life.

I've put on so much weight since i got together with ZW.

Happiness is making me fat.

I've always been curvy, but hopefully in a sexy way.

This development, however, is.... Disturbing.

Argh.

Polygamy...

At work people, at work. In life, I'm monogamous, ok?

Being a bi (tri?) platform reporter is sucking the life blood out of me.

While we're expected to be like Mormon, polygamous men and treat all wives equally - attention, love, sex, money - I'm starting to feel more like a Chinese rich lord in ancient times - by taking on a new wife, I've neglected the old one.

What can I say - the new always looks brighter, shinier, more appealing. The old is familiar, comforting, but ultimately, tired.

So what's a girl to do?

The morning after

I realise that my worst sides are exposed when i'm in a semi-drunken haze - selfish, insecure and petty. Case in point: last night's rant.

So in the harsh glare of the morning after's cold sobriety, i realise just how unfair i've been to Fadz.

Post-breakup, i've villianised him and victimised myself. And for what - to make myself feel better, to ease my conscience?

If i'm being honest, i was probably stung by how easily he walked away. That he was able to get over our 8-year relationship in a few months, and was able to fall in love again shortly after.

I never did give him credit for the dignified way he conducted himself. If he had refused to give up, or kept calling me, i don't think my relationship with ZW would have taken off.

In all likelihood, i probably would have been eaten alive by guilt and indecision and would have ended things with ZW.

Instead, fadz made the decision that i couldn't - he walked away and never looked back. In those crazy weeks following china, i was a mess. At one point, i even suggested that we just date, me and the two guys, till i worked out how i really felt.

Stupid. I'm just glad neither agreed to that awful proposition.

But ya, i wonder what would have happened if fadz had really attempted to hold me back, to put another plaster over our fractured relationship. Would i have relented?

The logical fadz i know and loved made the right decision ultimately - he saw the bigger picture. He knew that he was unable or couldn't love me the way i needed to be loved.

And ironically, he was the one who opened up my eyes to what it means to be loved, and what i deserved. And when we had both hurt each other and lost trust and faith in our relationship, it was no longer viable.

So rather than dwell on what it could have been and what i had lost, i shall instead, cherish and celebrate what we had.

Fadz will always be my first love, the first guy who made me realise that i'm deserving and capable of great love. I will remember how he didn't eat for a whole week to save his allowance to buy me a necklace (which i broke when i accidentally left it in my uniform that ended up in the washer). How he surprised me one birthday by turning up at midnight, homemade cake in hand. The endless hours of guitar hero, the shared passion for music. He also taught me how to appreciate football. So many happy memories.

So that's why i know i'd found something special when i met ZW. He reawakened all those suppressed feelings. I didn't realise that i was compromising myself, ignoring my needs and wants, and living out my days on a hope and prayer, living on past memories when the actual spark had died out.

So while i wish fadz all the best, i don't think i'm ready to revisit any sort of interaction with him. It simply brings up too much angst, too much nolstagia, and it's not healthy.

For now at least, i'm concentrating on building my current relationship. :)

It's the new year!!

And I spent it in the most awesome manner... not working and in the company of my loved ones.

If today is any indication of the year ahead, I'm a happy girl.

There's nothing like waking up next to your loved one and rolling over for a big hug, spending a stormy afternoon baking in the kitchen while rocking out to great music, before settling down to a gut-busting sukiyaki dinner with the family.

Would have been the perfect day as I winded down in the evening with some good ol' travel research (yup, love the stuff).....

Until I opened FB and received a friend request from the ex. Huh. Left me speechless for a couple of minutes.

He spoke about new beginnings and stuff and left the ball in my court, i.e. it's up to me to add him. Or not. Not sure if he really wants me as a friend, wants to believe that everything is cool between us so that his conscience is clear before he proposes to his new girlfriend (haha!), or what.

Never was quite sure of what he was thinking of before, even less sure now.

So rather than speculate what he thinks.. here's what I think. I think it's weird. I know Alan and Li Wern said never say never and all that. That we are all adults and it's all in the past and we should shake hands and move on.

But my FB is a highly personal medium. I post a lot of inappropriate things on it, I add personal pictures and my life is quite an open, visual book.

To have the ex privy to that again is... weird. Similarly, do I want access to his life, to possible updates and pictures of his new relationship?

Sure, I know he reads my blog (or at least he did post-breakup) and I'm highly personal here too.

But that's HIS choice. He chooses to read my thoughts. If we're friends on FB, we're FORCED by the sheer nature of FB to see each other's updates, like a tiny prick on our conscious. And if I configured it such that I don't receive updates on him, then I might as well not add him, right?

Fadz will always be a part of me and I cherish certain memories of us together. There will always be certain triggers that evokes a memory that will bring a smile to my face, both bittersweet or otherwise.

But that's all the reminder I need of a life I once had.

I know some exes can be friends, but I'm not one of those people. How do you do it, anyway?

Maybe, maybe in the future, it might be possible. After all, we did make pretty good friends. Heck, we shared so many common interests, which might explain how we fell into a relationship.

But for now at least, it's simply... too weird.

Soulmate vs Lover

Can the two be the same person?

Just because someone gets you, doesn't mean that person is right for a relationship.

And the reverse is true. You can be crazy about someone, but doesn't mean the person gets you all the time.

The way I see it, a soulmate falls into step with you, gets you and fits into your life.

What I want from my lover, or companion, is someone who challenges me, provides a different perspective and is willing to push my buttons in a way that makes me want to be a better person.

If you're lucky enough to find one person who fits both criteria, good for you.

But alas, life is never that perfect.

And me thinks, I should stop watching Korean dramas.

I'm still just a kid at heart...

When it comes to relationships, I'm not sure how much I've grown up, if at all, over the years.

ZW says I act like a kid. In fact, he says it a lot. And as much as that raises my hackles, I'm not sure I can disagree entirely.

I'm still prone to sulking and pouting to get my way, I whine and weasel my way in and out of arguments, the angry hot tears come way more frequently than I would like..

I just wonder what it means to act like an adult though. Does it mean entering arguments like you would a business negotiation? All logic, with terms clearly stated, leaving emotions at the door?

Talking about issues in a rational manner, calmly, as if you're not ready to explode or yell or scream or express hurt?

Speak in measured tones that betray few signs of what you're really thinking or feeling?

I guess it's about not emotionally blackmailing a person. And when a female cries, we all know what that does to a guy's resolve.

I suppose it's not about going to extremes, but being able to hold a conversation, even when worked up, without resorting to wailing or shouting the first angry thought that comes into my head. Or worse, having this inner instinct to retort back sentence for sentence when I'm angry.

New year resolution, perhaps?

I hate being sick

And while that may seem to be an understatement, i swear it's so much worst for me.

It's not just the physical weakness, the exhuastion that sets in, the endless sniffling and grabbing of tissue. The body chills...

It's the self-pity that really gets to me.

My brain starts going into overdrive, wondering if anyone would care if i died, if i would be one of those people whose body would be found only cos someone smelt something rotting...

Like i said, i really, really hate being sick.

I know i'm being awfully whiny, and unnecessarily melodramatic, but i can't help it. I can't turn it off.

I was planning to write this brilliant piece about the property market, the equivalent of "suck it up, money is king." and that only 2 people would understand.

But i don't think in the right frame of mind.

Well, at least this took up 5 minutes of my time. Now back to the regular programming of sulking and self pity. Oh me.