Alamak, I've been hit by celebrity fever! I'm in total idolize mode. I haven't been this way for a long, long time, can! (Well, at least since Taufik).

Is he not utterly gorgeous? I'm totally obsessed with Princess Hours now, and I can't stop falling in love with his character!

Why can't Singapore dramas be like that? Kim Jeong Hoon is probably thought of as the perfect male specimen not only because he looks like a gentle God, but also because his character makes him out to be this sensitive, romantic, utterly mesmerizing prince.

Sure, K dramas have a bigger budget, but must story plots in Singapore dramas be so damn predictable and boring? Everyone plays a stereotypical character that they don't break out from, bad means bad, good means good; not like these K dramas where the characters have different dimensions. Seriously, it's pathetic.

I hate to say this, but what is wrong with the Singapore male gene pool? You know what, I think it's not so much gene pool as opposed to 'jean' pool. Singaporean men just lack the flair for dressing up, good grooming and the art of chivalry is pretty much lost to the general population. Would it really kill them to pay more attention to their appearance?

Sigh, I suppose I'm asking for too much. I should be lucky if the men even bother to brush their teeth and put on clothes. Sometimes it feels like if they had their way, most men would still be carrying clubs and swinging women over one shoulder or dragging them by their hair home.

Drool, drool, drool. OK, back to doing my Financial Instruments, Institutions and Markets project. Is it any wonder why I'm so damn bored, bored enough to blog about a Korean star?

Selamat Hari Raya!

I seriously enjoy this holiday. Every year, I work myself up into a gastronomic fever because Fadz mum is a freaking damn good cook.

Every year, she trots out the lontong, beef rendang, sambal sotong and super sedap chicken. Yum, yum, yum.

Besides, it's the only time of year Fadz shops for new clothing, so yes, I am a happy girl.

Fadz with his songkok. They are getting more elaborate every year.

Taking a break from all that walking.

Fadz with his numerous shopping bags and my fave stray cat in the world.. Gandalf!

Hari Raya goodies! I definitely overate.

Unlike Chinese New Year, black is not considered inauspicious.

And presenting... my fave toddler in the world...

ANDRIAN! Isn't he just the most adorable, blur-looking baby you've ever seen? He's a complete terror, though. He's at the stage where he's testing every thing, so when he saw the cake on the table, he squeezed it between his tiny hands and giggled. Sigh.

Yes, eat yourself. So cute right? I just want to hold him and squeeze him like a teddy bear.

You know, love is a very, very funny thing. It makes people do all sorts of stupid things, and yet, it can feel like the best feeling in the world. Like you're unstoppable. But the way I see it, it's just a feeling. Sure, it's a great if you have it, and you always imagine/hope/wish/long that there will always be that special someone.

But if you think about it, EVERYONE could potentially be your special someone. Yes, we all have our ideal mate, with ideal qualities and characteristics. But if you look back on past boyfriends/crushes/lust objects, I don't think there's been anyone who has fit all your requirements. There would definitely be something you didn't like about the chosen one, and you'd have to make some concessions to make things fit. If you can live with the flaw(s), good for you and the relationship. If not, you move on, you try again, and hope that the next time around you find someone whose flaws don't piss you off as much.

But what I really don't understand is unrequited love. I know, I know, it sounds romantic, holding a torch for that ONE person and hoping against hope that eventually that person would feel the same way.. But it only looks good on paper. Personally, I think it's the dumbest idea in the whole world. How can you continue feeling good about a person when the person obviously doesn't feel the same way? I'm a total believer of reciprocity. Besides, you can't tell me that you honestly believe the person you are currently into has characteristics unique to that one person, right? Sure, it may seem that way for some time... but sooner or later, someone else is going to come along that possess most of the qualities you look out for. But if you keep stubbornly clinging on to one person, no one else can break through that wall of stupidity.

Hmmm, I'm not very forgiving, am I? I suppose this stems from having my own bad experience. It was a bitter lesson that I refused to ever let go off. Led up the wrong path? Check. Unrequited feelings (I don't think love is the right word; more like like like)? Check. Slap in the face? Check check. Revenge? Ohhh, totally check with 10 gold stars.

Some of you may recall this skinny boy way back in good ol' BPGHS by the name of Bill Lee Wei Liang. We grew super close to each other over the course of 1 year. I can't take responsibility for the growth of the relationship because he basically did most of the work. He called me every night, he chose to sit next to me in class, he made a big deal when my form teacher told him to change seats because we weren't paying attention in class, he wanted to eat lunch with me every single day.

I didn't realize it, but I was slowly developing feelings for that guy. I still remember one conversation we had. We were talking about guys and suddenly, Bill asked me, "What kind of guys do you like?" I listed down all my criteria, one of them being that my boyfriend had to be at least 10cm taller than me (ah, how young and foolish. Fadz is only 5cm taller than me). There was a pause, and then Bill said, "I'm 10cm taller than you."

Other incidents, perhaps insignificant on its own, when culminated seemed to point towards a disastrous path of infatuation. Things like him singling me out in the crowd and holding my gaze, him giving me a special smile that seemed like only 2 of us existed. People kept telling me that he was slimy and scum, but hey, shit happens, I suppose. Besides, he spoke well in English and carried himself well, and let me tell you, in Chinese-speaking BPGHS, that made him a catch in my eyes.

Long story short, I fell for him, he ran for his life, he tried to find a new best female friend, and that totally pissed me off. My pride was injured, I felt pissed off that our friendship meant so little, and er, went on a vengeance. Got him kicked out of the students' council, unleashed the already disgusted male classmates upon him and basically made his life hell. Yes, yes, I do feel twinges of guilt as I speak of this now.

So why the sudden reminiscencing? Because a good friend of mine is going through the same shit. Honey, no good would ever come out of it. If the guy doesn't like you,there really isn't much you can do. Going out of your way to please him would do nothing because MEN ARE STUPID CREATURES. It's really not there fault sometimes; they are so oblivious that it can sometimes be funny. They treat you like a sister without even knowing that they are giving off the wrong signals. And when you do finally tell them, they think you are a freak.

Can there ever be platonic relationships? I don't believe it. Good friends, maybe. But best friends tend to lead to somewhere more, or someone hoping for more.

I've rebonded my hair!

Felt that it was time I stopped fighting my stubborn hair and waking up every morning disappointed with my unruly hair. Seriously, no more ponytails for a long, long time.

A bad before the rebonding of hair picture. Sigh. I'm so not missing my old hair.

Visited Cheryl's salon. All her friends go there. It's like a big frat party. And the hair stylist drinks alcohol after 9pm. Haha, he's so gay it's amusing.

Xtrim. Not a very good shot.

My new hair! So much neater right? I even felt better instantly.

Cheryl did her hair too. Decided on old Hollywood glam. I think she looks like a giant Oriental doll.

Oh yeah, and I was featured on Business Times! :)

As you can tell, I'm totally not listening in class.

Latest gripe: I officially hate the word "actually". Singaporeans abused it like nobody's business.

Actually, actually, actually. Actually, I disagree. Actually, I have something to say.

Stupid cows can sprinkle their 1 minute presentation with 20 "actually"s. I'm sorry, I thought the English language provided us with a wide vocabulary. "Essentially", "in fact", "in reality", "but"... hello! Stop abusing the word. Learn new words.

I'm getting hives. How can you keep starting sentences with the word "actually" without feeling stupid? I feel stupid listening to you.

And it's not confined to one person, actually. Actually, I have noticed such behaviour for quite some time already. Sure, perhaps it's a bad habit, but actually, some ways of using the word are wrong and actually, people should just think more before using the word.

See how annoying it is?

The. Haze. Is. Really. Bad.

Brain. Has. Stopped. Functioning.

This week is bad. Too much work. Trying to make the best out of a really, terrible situation.

All I want to do is watch Sex and the City.

Love live females who fuck like men!

One drawback to my current living arrangement. I can only access the Internet using my sister's laptop. So besides not being able to surf porn indiscriminately (kidding lah!), my sister's lappy DOES NOT HAVE MSN MESSENGER.

What to do? Government-issued laptop. That also means I can't install msn messenger because my sis is only a user account, and not the bloody administrator.

So if you want to contact me and was hoping to see me online, well you can call/sms me or bloody, jolly well wait till I get home on Saturday.

Did I mention that my sister's neighbour has this stupid, ugly, hairless dog that barks at me whenever I open the door? Did I mention that the neighbours are Koreans who drink Carlsberg by the crate and leave the evidence near their door? When their dog first started barking at me, I was so tempted to yell "Hey Koreans! I thought you ate dogs, not kept them!"

Er, yes, I have since reigned in the temper and figured it might be best to just ignore the dumb dog. Anyway, on the last occasion, he didn't bark at me. Maybe it was because I was covered in chlorinated water from the pool. Bless the stupid beast for not knowing what scent I was giving off.

I moved out of the house. No lah, never run away from home or whatever. My parents are redoing the kitchen. Adios faithful kitchen of 21 years. You have served us well, through rot and fungus, you valiantly stood by us and gave us the best of your years.

So under the pretense that the noise would affect my studying this break week, I persuaded my sister to let me move in with her. You know, cos her place is quiet and will be the perfect place for conducive studying.

Fat chance. Her place is a condo can. I just came up from swimming for an hour in the near deserted pool. Perfect.

So what's happening between Fadz and me? Squat. Nada. What will be will be. I've decided to stop obsessing over everything he said. We are trying to make things work and if it happens, it happens. I've swung from being shocked to hurt to angry. What with school and family and other commitments... Sigh.

On a positive note, I've decided the best thing would be to keep busy. You know, take the mind off things. At least today started well enough. I did some work, went for DJ auditions in school (I was a total spaz! They must think I was either trying to flirt outrageously with them/bimbotic for giggling so much/arrogant, self-centred #$@#^%&). Isn't it amazing how many things I can be at the same time? Came home for a swing, and took a nice long shower. Ah, the bliss which is life.

Carpe diem people. Don't walk around with a gloomy cloud overshadowing you. Life is only as bad as you make it out to be.

Wow, we almost broke up.

Seems like the mud-slinging was only the tip of the ice berg and we had stored up so much bile that it was poisoning our relationship. It just all came out at one go. Ignorance or was I simply ignoring all the warning signs this past year?

I didn't realize my body was capable of enduring so much pain without falling apart. Everything he said was like a barb to my heart, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing. I didn't realize I was capable of so many tears. Haha, I think a lot of people must have been shocked out of their life seeing this blubbering woman at Commonwealth station, with a stony-faced Malay at her side.

Couldn't say that I didn't see it coming, though. I think we simply stopped exploring and trying when Fadz entered the army, simply willing things be better if we imagined that nothing was wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

He had stopped loving me. It was a deliberate move on his part to cut off his heart from me. I knew that somewhere in there he loved me still, but he had somehow managed to remove himself from me and keep an emotional distance that I couldn't cross.

At the end of the day, I was so tired of fighting and feeling hurt that I was ready to throw in the towel. I seriously considered ending things there and then and even gave him back the ring he had given me so many years ago. It was simply the limit.

But he changed his mind. I dunno what happened, maybe it was the tears (I hope not), the pouring out of my heart, some vague past memory, some hidden love, but he refused to let go.

I would never want to be in a relationship where my partner didn't love me wholeheartedly. I didn't want him to feel obligated, or that he was doing the right thing. I would rather he break my heart completely once and for all, than to cheat on me by not loving me. Because that is a betrayal far worse.

So we're trying again. I'm fighting for him to love me and trust me again. I know he is the one for me and I can't imagine life without him. I just need him to realize that I'm THE ONE for him too. I just hope I'm strong enough. I love him, I love him so much despite my constant nit-picking. But I'm not strong enough to keep loving someone who can't reciprocate. They say love is painful. Hell yeah.

Should I just find someone who can't hurt me this much?

is this the beginning of the end?

how can i trust myself to love you again when you find me so lacking?

Misunderstood

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck.

My own boyfriend thinks I'm a superficial, bimbotic, materialistic airhead. FUCK.

Man, it feels good to cuss like a sailor. Look, I may act like a bimbo at times but I can't stop repeating in no uncertain terms that I'm NOT one. I enjoy the good life. I appreciate material goods. Who doesn't? I know what I want in life, a good, comfortable life, and I'm not ashamed of it. I enjoy a good time, I do not see the need to always be in a morose and "deep thought" mode 24/7. Just because you articulate all your thoughts and feel the need to be "intellectual" all the time doesn't make it the most desirable state to be in.

The world is painful enough as it is. You're faced with petty greivances, annoyances and general upsets in life EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY. MUST I BURDEN MYSELF WITH SERIOUS WORLD ISSUES AND WOULD THAT MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON?

Just because I find endless delight in retail therapy and take hedonistic pleasure in watching soppy movies does not make me a bimbo. I've had a tough week. I buy a pair of beautiful shoes and feel comforted. How does that equate to being a bimbo? Am I supposed to be constantly working on the formula for world peace? Curing cancer? Eliminating poverty? Creating a new life philosophy? Contemplating about the war in Iraq?

Good lord, man! Of course I'm bloody offended. Judge, judge, judge. I'm either too masculine and aggressive, or vapid and bimbotic. I can't win, I just can't. Is it any wonder why I sometimes hate the world so much I want to lock myself in my room and hope that the world would implode during my self-imposed exile?

Just because I love you doesn't give you the privilege the assail my character and make false judgments. Just because I love you doesn't give you the RIGHT to think less of me.

Fuck. Bloody geppers who think they're better than everyone else. (sorry Amanda!)

Nostalgia

I think I can be quite the anti-social person. I know, I know, that totally goes against my Gemini nature, but if you think about it, Geminis are dual personality, right? So on the surface, I try my best to portray my loud, affable self, but on the instead, sometimes I wish the world would just go away and leave me to my TV, books and computer games.

However, every once in a while I get a kick in my ass to remind me of my civic duty to act as part of the world. The kick that makes me want to reconnect with old friends, go for dinners, go for parties and basically, face the world.

Met with my OCBC team mates last night to catch up. Joel is finishing his last term, Chiraag is having wild orgies in America on exchange, and Susmit has accelerated his entry into the working world. He's now a Management Trainee at UOB. Haha, seems like I'm the laggard of the team, still drifting aimlessly through this world.

Anyway, dinner was a lot more fun than I expected it to be. We had great laughs, lots of gossiping, bitching and everything typical between colleagues who became friends and worked together for a year. I'm glad I met them. No matter how much I may bitch about them, we still had memorable moments, good or bad, I'm not saying.

After that, I felt the need to reconnect with someone else who used to be very dear to me. We definitely have a history (not romantically, lah!) and even though we only speak like once a year, every time we talk, it's like we never left off.

A bit of a digression, but do you think I'm aggressive? Probably more than most people, but hey, I think it was the result from the need for survival.

When I first entered Bukit Panjang, the guys in my class absolutedly HATED me. They took perverse delight in making fun of the stupid, fat girl who spoke only English and gave blank looks when they cursed me in Hokkien. Very, very colourful Hokkien expletives, may I add. This merciless ragging continued for a year, as I slowly shed my gentle, all-girls school upbringing and stepped up to the plate. I outcursed, outpranked and outyelled those idiots. So maybe I wasn't liked, but the ragging stopped and the leader of the boys and I formed a truce. We're even pretty good friends now. So in some sense, I had to become manlier and that may have contributed to my quite, quite masculine behaviour now.

When I rose to Sec 2, there were these 2 ah lians who took offense to me. Till this day, I do not know what provoked it, but I suspect it had something to do with me talking to my classmate whom they both had a crush on. But whatever the case, they turned super mean and when we meet on the staircase, they would go out of the way to bump me, glare at me and basically threaten my well-being.

Now, these girls are different from the boys who just played pranks. They were the pen-knife wielding, girl gang fights and destined for girls' home type. I was scared out my life. Self-preservation kicked in. Who can deal with such ah lians? Get a beng ah. I made friends with this Sec 5 guy. With lightning speed, I got him to be my godbrother. Through him, I got to know the entire Sec 5 male population. That's when the threats stopped. That year was the most smooth-sailing.

So you see, I'm forever indebted to my godbrother. Besides, he was a really, really godbrother. He listened to me whine incessantly (even while he studied), gave me some of the best presents ever (he made me a 3000-piece jigsaw puzzle for one birthday; a bottle of silk roses the next) and took such good care of me, I felt bad sometimes. We can talk for hours and he allows me to be as loud and boisterous as I want to be. I never have to put on a mask when I meet him and that level of comfort does not come with everyone.

FYI, I only let my guard down when I'm with people I'm very comfortable with. So the people who are privileged enough to see my BIMBO side are a lucky few. You can go ask around, I'm usually quite aloof and not-so-fun. So yes SHAWN, you should count yourself as lucky and stop thinking of my occasional bimbotic behaviour as annoying.

Sigh, nostalgia. I should do more to keep in connect with people dear to me.