I got on the weighing scale today...

And got the shock of my life.

I've put on so much weight since i got together with ZW.

Happiness is making me fat.

I've always been curvy, but hopefully in a sexy way.

This development, however, is.... Disturbing.

Argh.

Polygamy...

At work people, at work. In life, I'm monogamous, ok?

Being a bi (tri?) platform reporter is sucking the life blood out of me.

While we're expected to be like Mormon, polygamous men and treat all wives equally - attention, love, sex, money - I'm starting to feel more like a Chinese rich lord in ancient times - by taking on a new wife, I've neglected the old one.

What can I say - the new always looks brighter, shinier, more appealing. The old is familiar, comforting, but ultimately, tired.

So what's a girl to do?

The morning after

I realise that my worst sides are exposed when i'm in a semi-drunken haze - selfish, insecure and petty. Case in point: last night's rant.

So in the harsh glare of the morning after's cold sobriety, i realise just how unfair i've been to Fadz.

Post-breakup, i've villianised him and victimised myself. And for what - to make myself feel better, to ease my conscience?

If i'm being honest, i was probably stung by how easily he walked away. That he was able to get over our 8-year relationship in a few months, and was able to fall in love again shortly after.

I never did give him credit for the dignified way he conducted himself. If he had refused to give up, or kept calling me, i don't think my relationship with ZW would have taken off.

In all likelihood, i probably would have been eaten alive by guilt and indecision and would have ended things with ZW.

Instead, fadz made the decision that i couldn't - he walked away and never looked back. In those crazy weeks following china, i was a mess. At one point, i even suggested that we just date, me and the two guys, till i worked out how i really felt.

Stupid. I'm just glad neither agreed to that awful proposition.

But ya, i wonder what would have happened if fadz had really attempted to hold me back, to put another plaster over our fractured relationship. Would i have relented?

The logical fadz i know and loved made the right decision ultimately - he saw the bigger picture. He knew that he was unable or couldn't love me the way i needed to be loved.

And ironically, he was the one who opened up my eyes to what it means to be loved, and what i deserved. And when we had both hurt each other and lost trust and faith in our relationship, it was no longer viable.

So rather than dwell on what it could have been and what i had lost, i shall instead, cherish and celebrate what we had.

Fadz will always be my first love, the first guy who made me realise that i'm deserving and capable of great love. I will remember how he didn't eat for a whole week to save his allowance to buy me a necklace (which i broke when i accidentally left it in my uniform that ended up in the washer). How he surprised me one birthday by turning up at midnight, homemade cake in hand. The endless hours of guitar hero, the shared passion for music. He also taught me how to appreciate football. So many happy memories.

So that's why i know i'd found something special when i met ZW. He reawakened all those suppressed feelings. I didn't realise that i was compromising myself, ignoring my needs and wants, and living out my days on a hope and prayer, living on past memories when the actual spark had died out.

So while i wish fadz all the best, i don't think i'm ready to revisit any sort of interaction with him. It simply brings up too much angst, too much nolstagia, and it's not healthy.

For now at least, i'm concentrating on building my current relationship. :)

It's the new year!!

And I spent it in the most awesome manner... not working and in the company of my loved ones.

If today is any indication of the year ahead, I'm a happy girl.

There's nothing like waking up next to your loved one and rolling over for a big hug, spending a stormy afternoon baking in the kitchen while rocking out to great music, before settling down to a gut-busting sukiyaki dinner with the family.

Would have been the perfect day as I winded down in the evening with some good ol' travel research (yup, love the stuff).....

Until I opened FB and received a friend request from the ex. Huh. Left me speechless for a couple of minutes.

He spoke about new beginnings and stuff and left the ball in my court, i.e. it's up to me to add him. Or not. Not sure if he really wants me as a friend, wants to believe that everything is cool between us so that his conscience is clear before he proposes to his new girlfriend (haha!), or what.

Never was quite sure of what he was thinking of before, even less sure now.

So rather than speculate what he thinks.. here's what I think. I think it's weird. I know Alan and Li Wern said never say never and all that. That we are all adults and it's all in the past and we should shake hands and move on.

But my FB is a highly personal medium. I post a lot of inappropriate things on it, I add personal pictures and my life is quite an open, visual book.

To have the ex privy to that again is... weird. Similarly, do I want access to his life, to possible updates and pictures of his new relationship?

Sure, I know he reads my blog (or at least he did post-breakup) and I'm highly personal here too.

But that's HIS choice. He chooses to read my thoughts. If we're friends on FB, we're FORCED by the sheer nature of FB to see each other's updates, like a tiny prick on our conscious. And if I configured it such that I don't receive updates on him, then I might as well not add him, right?

Fadz will always be a part of me and I cherish certain memories of us together. There will always be certain triggers that evokes a memory that will bring a smile to my face, both bittersweet or otherwise.

But that's all the reminder I need of a life I once had.

I know some exes can be friends, but I'm not one of those people. How do you do it, anyway?

Maybe, maybe in the future, it might be possible. After all, we did make pretty good friends. Heck, we shared so many common interests, which might explain how we fell into a relationship.

But for now at least, it's simply... too weird.

Soulmate vs Lover

Can the two be the same person?

Just because someone gets you, doesn't mean that person is right for a relationship.

And the reverse is true. You can be crazy about someone, but doesn't mean the person gets you all the time.

The way I see it, a soulmate falls into step with you, gets you and fits into your life.

What I want from my lover, or companion, is someone who challenges me, provides a different perspective and is willing to push my buttons in a way that makes me want to be a better person.

If you're lucky enough to find one person who fits both criteria, good for you.

But alas, life is never that perfect.

And me thinks, I should stop watching Korean dramas.

I'm still just a kid at heart...

When it comes to relationships, I'm not sure how much I've grown up, if at all, over the years.

ZW says I act like a kid. In fact, he says it a lot. And as much as that raises my hackles, I'm not sure I can disagree entirely.

I'm still prone to sulking and pouting to get my way, I whine and weasel my way in and out of arguments, the angry hot tears come way more frequently than I would like..

I just wonder what it means to act like an adult though. Does it mean entering arguments like you would a business negotiation? All logic, with terms clearly stated, leaving emotions at the door?

Talking about issues in a rational manner, calmly, as if you're not ready to explode or yell or scream or express hurt?

Speak in measured tones that betray few signs of what you're really thinking or feeling?

I guess it's about not emotionally blackmailing a person. And when a female cries, we all know what that does to a guy's resolve.

I suppose it's not about going to extremes, but being able to hold a conversation, even when worked up, without resorting to wailing or shouting the first angry thought that comes into my head. Or worse, having this inner instinct to retort back sentence for sentence when I'm angry.

New year resolution, perhaps?

I hate being sick

And while that may seem to be an understatement, i swear it's so much worst for me.

It's not just the physical weakness, the exhuastion that sets in, the endless sniffling and grabbing of tissue. The body chills...

It's the self-pity that really gets to me.

My brain starts going into overdrive, wondering if anyone would care if i died, if i would be one of those people whose body would be found only cos someone smelt something rotting...

Like i said, i really, really hate being sick.

I know i'm being awfully whiny, and unnecessarily melodramatic, but i can't help it. I can't turn it off.

I was planning to write this brilliant piece about the property market, the equivalent of "suck it up, money is king." and that only 2 people would understand.

But i don't think in the right frame of mind.

Well, at least this took up 5 minutes of my time. Now back to the regular programming of sulking and self pity. Oh me.

Life Can Take Many Unexpected Twists

Had a moment of reflection this morning, in the most unexpected of places.

I was swimming in a private bay that belongs to the Ritz Carlton in Bahrain, where I'm currently stationed for the week for work.

So there I was, all alone on this gorgeous beach, surrounded by blue green water, with the towering Bahrain financial centre in the distance.

I looked up into the azure sky, and it suddenly hit me how strange this all was.

If you had asked me at the start of this year to predict how my life would be like for 2010, my wildest guess probably wouldn't have come close to taking an overseas working trip to Bahrain.

Who would have thought that my life would change so much in just 11 months. I ended an 8-year relationship which at one point, I thought would have led to marriage and a total life-changer.

I started a new relationship in the strangest of ways - meeting a stranger in a foreign land and tumbling head over heels in a matter of days.

My bosses appear to trust me with more responsibilities - which may or may not be a good thing (hah).

I travelled more in this past year than the last few years combined.

And now I'm staying at the Ritz Carlton for one whole damn week.

Can I just say how trippy the Middle East is?

Being part of the President's entourage has been an eye-opener. Traffic being stopped for the escorted motorcade, being driven around in a BMW, complete with beefy, scary, hilarious Arab driver, meeting kings and princes... just crazy.

So when I say life can taken many unexpected twists... all i can is, go with it. You never know just how far from home you can get.

Hello from Bahrain!

Arrived relatively early and thanks to a serious stroke of luck, I'm staying at the best hotel in the state, breezed through the vip clearance at the airport and am now just settling in.

Not that I was a total bum, I tested the equipment and everything is up and running ok!

My cameraman rocks, the internet is smooth.. now I just need to make sure that the ol' noggin doesn't fail me.

Meanwhile, since the VVIP is not here yet.. think I shall go take a spin at the pool... wheee!!

High School Never Really Ends

The stereotypes, the cliches, the cliques... it never goes away. From school to work, you can just as easily pick out certain types or fall into a certain category.

The hot girl with the hair toss, the overachieving guy whom everyone laughs at, the bad boy who brings the booze, the sagely one who oversees from afar, the ditz, the fat one, the blur one... and so on.

Whispered exchanges in the corridors, girls sitting around talking about relationships, guys high-fiving each other when their football team wins...

Tears, anger, backstabbing, yelling... it all just makes for a normal day at work.

Seriously, with all the hormones running around, it's a wonder we get any work done.

And I'm Off Again...

This time to Bahrain. For work. Leaving on Saturday.

When I first had the notion that this was going to be my travel year, I never envisaged it being THIS crazy.

Just a short 5-day jaunt. But it's my first tv thingy, so rather stressed out.

I pray nothing goes wrong.

Oh, and life has picked up again. I guess it's really true. When you feel down in the dumps and like life is pissing rain on you.. somehow, things do come around.

Looking forward to Christmas!

depressed

Things are not going well. On any front.

The best and worst gift ever

As much as i hate being alone, i occasionally enjoy the odd moment of being a recluse.

Shutting myself in my room, turning on the a/c, snuggling under the covers and watch endless tv.

I'm a huge tv addict. American tv to be exact. I can spend hours mesmerised by what's in front of me.

Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff is not available in Singapore (damn lousy cabLe).

No matter,there's always Internet streaming.

But therein lies another problem - it's difficult to find a good link, it stops halfway or takes forever to load.

Just 2 days ago, ZW witnessed the level of my madness when i stayed up till 4am trying to load a damn episode of Vampire Diaries (no judging, the guys are really hot ok?)

Being the bestest, he gave me possibly one of the best presents ever - paid subscription to a streaming website - thinking that it'd solve my agony.

Except that it hasn't really. I'm not sleeping any earlier cos now i'm watching MORE shows. I'm even trying to watch before i start work.

Goodbye world, hello laptop.

Seriously, who the heck would want to go to work and face people you can't stand, doing work that's uninspiring, when i can veg out in my pjs?

Six

Without fanfare, our 6-month anniversary passed over us.

Has it really been half a year already? Has time moved so quickly?

We didn't celebrate... We were both working - me night shift, him graveyard... And we both kinda forgot the date even.

Oh well.

But what a six months.

While i'd like to report that things have been moving without a hitch, life alas, is not quite a fairytale.

As much as i'm still very young (ahem), my take on a relationship is less starry eyed, and dare i say it, more realistic.

Japan was a great experience not just cos it was fun, but it really showed what a life together meant, being together all the time.

I think it helped me stop being so clingy, becos i learnt the value of time apart. To have time to cool down after a fight, to have time to do your own thing without having to plan around someone else's needs and wants. Just enjoying being alone.

I admit - i'm a needy chick. I'm an emotional wreck and it can drive a person nuts with my need for reassurance.

At one point in our japan trip, we both reached a point where we were sick of being around each other so much we both agreed that we needed a short timeout to do our own thing.

And i think that was a healthy development. To admit that we didn't need to be around each other ALL THE TIME.

If i really want this to work, i need to know and feel that i'd be ok alone. That i don't need constant reminders to feel secure.

I'm not perfect, but i'm getting there.

So thanks for being patient baby, and happy anniversary. :)

Amazing Japan

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I came back from Japan and it's starting to feel like a dream, a glorious, techni-colour dream.

I'd visited Japan on 2 previous occasions. And while those experiences were lovely, travelling with someone who understands the language and culture opens up a whole new dimension.

I finally felt like I could travel previously unexplored territory. Of course, this meant great frustration on ZW's part cos he was my translator. For those who know me, I fire off ten billion questions at a time. Trying to translate and ask questions on my behalf nearly drove him nuts. But that's the perk of him being my boyfriend. He CAN'T stay mad for long. HAHA.

Yes, we fought. I cried, screamed, yelled at him in public.. but we also laughed, loved and experienced joy together. So the good with the bad yeah?

Instead of trying to recreate my entire holiday (who wants to read that?)... here's my top 5 moments instead.

It's almost impossible to condense everything, but I tried.

Oh, and I wanted to put "wearing hairbands and not looking like a prick" as one of the entries, but felt it might be too bimbo.

Here's a picture anyway.

MY TOP FIVE JAPAN 2010 MOMENTS:

5. Eating great food.


1. Giant tempura rice bowl, Asakusa
2. Kaiseki meal at Shikisai, Nikko

How can a trip to Japan be complete without great food? From a quick run to the convenience store for piping hot oden, to street food takoyaki, to meticulously prepared kaiseki meal... every morsel tastes like love and attention has been put into it.

4. Apple picking.


Apple picking in Hirosaki

The apple park is impossibly happy. Kids laughing, idyllic walks through the apple trees, the smell of apple perfuming the air. Apple-related merchandise, food, the best apple ice cream in the world. We could have spent the whole day at the park, just sitting and watching the world go by.

3. Experiencing nature



1. One of 12 lakes in Juniko
2. Red leaves in Towadako
3. Oirase stream in Towadako

I've never been much of a nature girl but ZW is mad for it. So I often found myself huffing and puffing after him. Up mountain trails, through primary forests, circling sparkling blue lakes, freezing at a swamp.

But it was oh-so-worth-it. Some of the scenery I saw was heartachingly beautiful and the sometimes arduous trek only made it even better. Brilliantly clear lakes, shockingly green leaves and the ever elusive autumn colours were a sight to behold.

Only time I came close to losing it was when I asked ZW if I needed to wear boots for one leg, and he vaguely said no need cos it's mainly boardwalks. I even showed him my white shoes and he said it's fine. Luckily I stuck to boots because we ended up trekking TWO HOURS IN A DESERTED FOREST.

2. Onsening my way through some really great places.

Outdoor onsen at Michinoku, Shirakami

When ZW first suggested we go for onsens or hot spring baths, I had my reservations. As much as I'm not a prude, I wasn't about to walk about in mixed baths with my bits exposed for all the gross men to see. And much less, I didn't want to see other people's bits.

But the experience is simply worth the initial mental trauma. Mixed baths were still a no-no, but soaking in a pool of scalding hot water after freezing the whole day is sheer bliss. It's like comfort washes over you and you're forced to relax as your bones and muscles turn to puddle. And we're all women, boobs and pubic hair are really just... boobs and pubic hair. And it's rude to stare.

Besides, it's made me more comfortable in front of the camera. Hey, once you've stripped for other people, nothing fazes you.

1. Travelling with ZW.

Dandelion field in front of a museum, Aomori

He's never too tired to hug or kiss me, to offer a smile, or take care of me. Sure, he has his moments and is known to yell.

But he's the same guy who would patiently wait as I debate with myself for the umpteenth time if i should buy a pink camera pouch, check train timings late into the night while I've already snuggled deep under the covers, look on expectantly as I try out his food recommendations, and listen to me babble on about everything under the sun.

I'm happy & monday won't get me down

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream (song in my head)

You think I'm pretty without any make-up on

You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong

I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down

Before you met me, I was a wreck

But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life

Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach

Got a motel and built a floor out of sheets

I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece

I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

I'm such an idiot

For the longest time, I figured no one reads my blog, cos I never receive any comments.

Turns out, I do receive comments, I just DON'T REALISE IT.

Apparently, blogger has been sending notifications of new comments posted to my old SMU email account.

Seeing how I haven't accessed that account since I started work...

Erm... sorry commentors. I'd try harder.

What are we rushing for?

In life, some people are always pushing to accomplish something, rushing towards some pre-determined goal.

Every second is precious and every second not spent on trying to achieve your goal is a second wasted.

I'm not like that at all. I think i'm already so harrassed by work that i spend every non-work minute trying NOT to think, trying not to plan.

Because i'm forced to plan every second of my work. From the moment i start work, and this refers to the moment i hop onto the cab for my assignment.. I'm already planning.

Planning what to say, whom to interview, how to compose my story, how to optimise every minute so that i can meet daily deadlines, serve all platforms, and still go home on time.

Just today, i was harrassed by a comms person about what i wanted to ask a potential interviewee. This, after not giving the reporters any time to formulate a thought following the end of a briefing.

She kept harrassing and harrassing until i snapped and asked for a second to think and collect my thoughts.

So i'm incredibly possesive of my downtime to unwind after a day of being on edge.

It's critical to my well-being and sanity.

And i react violently to suggestions that i'm not living my life in a fulfilling manner simply because i'm not rushing to accomplish something.

I happen to like vegging out in front of mind-wasting tv.

I happen to like spending time catching up with my friends and family.

I happen to like not having to stress over my life and worry, worry, worry that i don't have a 'target' that i'm working towards.

I think the whole 'need to rush' feeling is a by-product of feeling one's mortality too keenly. That life is going to pass by too quickly. That you haven't left your mark on the world.

Me? I don't worry about that. I rather leave a strong impression on my loved ones, and know that they remember me fondly.

And that i also remembered to love myself, and not constantly have my panties in a bunch.

Apologies for the babble rant. Incredibly sleepy but also needed to get something off my chest.

Ok i'm done.

You know what really sucks?

Two journos with irregular working hours attempting to have a relationship, that's what.

Ever since coming back from Japan, I feel like I've hardly had time to talk to ZW, much less meet up with him.

After 2 weeks of being around him 24/7 and having my every squeak, sigh and pout commented on, I miss his constant presence, as stalkerish as that may sound.

It's weird not being able to reach over and loop his arm around my shoulder. It sucks that our conversations don't take place face-to-face, where we can see each other's facial expressions.. and instead, have to rely on phones and google chat to act as our go-between.

Our schedules are totally unfriendly. When I'm on morning shift, he's at night. When I'm on night shift, he's in the morning.

My weekends are burned.. and he usually doesn't get weekdays off.

So much so that it's a Friday night, I'm at home cos I have to work tomorrow.. and my poor boyfriend is dragging his tired ass over to my house so that we can spend a little time together.. seeing how I have to work 13 hours tomorrow and go into the office on Sunday morning.

Lovely, just lovely.

New Blog Skin

Just felt a change was in order.

My last blog skin was all black, the header picture was moody.. and reflected a different Joanne. A Joanne who needed change, who was restless, who was expecting something, but not quite sure what.

Well, I think I'm in a different place now.

A lot lighter (pity not physically, sigh), a lot more cheery.

Hence, a happier blogskin is called for.

Still a few kinks, but I'm getting there.

Still a dreamer, still longing to be a traveller. But also enjoying the joys of being a lover. :)