I'm cracking up

I'm cracking up

I'm crumbling from within. I've made the mistake of attempting to do too many things and now i'm paying for it. I can't concentrate on any one thing for too long, and end up neglecting too many things in the process.

My commitment to Ventures sees me helping out with the campus cafe and Conclave; Volleyball has me helping out with Waikiki, and let's not forget about my school work, These, while trying to squeeze time to meet my friends and boyfriend.

I've totally messed up my comms presentation. things that were supposed to be done never got done. My team is now screwed up in the process, and all because i didn't send in the slides in time. How ironic, seeing that the presentation is about EQ. Sylvia had to cover my ass and do some slides for me.

Moreover, i see myself canceling meetings or walking out of them earlier to go for other meetings. Just the other day, i was at NUS with Mel but cut short halfway to rush back to school to help out with Waikiki. Then it turns out that they cancelled it cos of admin problems. -_-''' Later, i walked out of LTB meeting cos i had to go meet a couple of VCs, in the process also missing volleyball training. That was followed with a Conclave meeting, which i walked out of to go down to my LTB beneficiary.

I feel so lost and out of focus. My homework is piling up, i haven't studied for tests, and i snapped at Fadz yesterday, for being so indecisive, that i felt he was wasting my time. And this coming after not being able to see him for so long, after missing him so much, and then i have to go be so mean.

What am i supposed to do now? I know i will get through this, and emerge stronger (hopefully). But at what cost?

Cut Off My Nose

Cut Off My Nose

The flu is back with a vengence. My eyes are watering and my noise is so irritated i feel the urge to sneeze every 2 minutes. I'm experiencing chills and hot flashes alternately, and all this is happening during TWC class. Great.

The air-con is killing me and my noise, and yet i'm sweating cold sweat. My eyes looked like i've been punched, and i'm sooo miserable...

Bleah. And to think i still have project meetings, and various pressing Ventures events that i have to attend to. I think my body system is breaking down. Help!

TaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufik

TaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufik!!!!

Lol, the title says it all. Taufik was in SMU! and i was like less than 50m away from him!!! Those eyes! Those lips! That voice! Damn, but he was sexy!

TaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufik!!!

I went absolutely ballistic when he appeared. It's been a long time since i last hollered my love and devotion to some stranger, but it was fun! i was screaming so loudly the guy in front of my went deaf! and i was jumping up and down and asking him to marry me! Hahaha, so much for dignified uni student.

TaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufik!!!

A meeting with old friends

A meeting with old friends

I was absolutely bored stiff today. Bored enough to go around asking people to go out with me. If you know me, it doesn't happen often. Usually, i wait for people to ask me out, otherwise i'm stagnating at home. So when i do the asking, it's probably because i'm really desperate.

I first messaged Kristin, Shawn, Desheng and Sylvia. Kristin and Sylvia were holed up in school preparing for Patron's Day. sigh. Then Shawn had a previous appointment. But at least he declined my offer politely. And dear ol' Desheng. He was willing to go out with me, but since i don't know him well enough, i casually mentioned that it would only be me and him, ie it's kinda funny if only the two of us met up. He was sweet enough to go around asking other people, but no dice. Oh well, good friend, good friend.

Wallowing in self-pity, it dawned on me that i had a group of most dependable friends: my dear ol' KB gang. Called them up, and we were set to go out, albeit at Lot 1. It's been a long time since i last met them. It's incredibly comforting being around people whom you've known for so long; where it doesn't matter what you wear, what you say, cos they'll still love you.

Ate Sakae Sushi, and it was fun catching up. We then watched Shall We Dance. I love that we can be so spontaneous and know each other well enough that we can feel absolutely comfortable even though we're in a dark theatre not talking.

My dear KB gang, what will i do without you? Sigh, i've been known to neglect them once in a while, but when it comes down to the crunch, they're the same people who knew me when i was sobbing on their shoulders, or laughing most unladylike-ly.

Not Taken Seriously

Not Taken Seriously

It sucks when you're not taken seriously. It's even more bitter when you don't get any recognition. Let me explain my rage...

With regards to the varsity cafe that JS is proposing, i've tossed some ideas around. One of them (which i vehemently supported) was to become a cafe and events management entity. I spoke to JS about it, voiced my opinions, and he agreed. Few days later, he talks to Desai (faculty adviser) and the prof says the same thing. He then publicly announces the conversation that he had with Desai and credits all the ideas to him. End of story.

Next grouse: I suggested that it is most profitable to outsource the cafe to NYDC. It's a place that people can identify with, especially the younger crowd. Makes more sense than trying to hire the kitchen crew from scratch. I suggested NYDC. Any mention that i helped? No. I'm made out to seem as if i'm not doing anything, or perhaps i'm just riding on this project as a ghost helper.

It's aggrevating; really, it is. I so wanted to help, but JS always seems to dismiss my thoughts and ideas as if they didn't matter. Moreover, when i volunteer to go meet people with him, he tells me it doesn't matter and that i don't have to be there. Then he turns around and asks if there are people free to meet up. Aarghhhh....

It makes me sick to the stomach. I hate it when people don't take me seriously, especially when it comes to business. When i do speak, i mean what i say. So if you're asking for an opinion, you better shut up and listen. Otherwise, why would i even bother?

It's Time To Get Fat

It's Time To Get Fat

Spent the day at the boyfriend's house stuffing my face. Damn, but his mum cooks well. So in between the eating of really yummy Malay food, we made a run to the petrol kiosk for some Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Did i mention all the other junk food i consumed?

Oh god, i think i overcompensated the morning jog. See, exercise just makes you eat more. I go for a half hour jog, and end up eating twice as much. tsk tsk...

Spent the rest of the time there entertaining his crazy 5-year old cousin. that psycho kid is perpetual motion and a perv in the making. he kept grabbing everyone's crotch when faced with disagreement. hahaha...

down with a semi-flu now. can hardly breathe. i think the boyfriend passed it to me. Note to self: avoid tongue-hockey when a party is not well. Ahh, how sweet the suffering it....

Picture Time

Picture Time!

Yup, i've finally gotten my lazy ass going and have uploaded a couple of pictures. Urgh. i hate how i look in some of them.

Me with the girls of the office



New Year Celebration at East Coast with Paavo, Fadz and 12/02

My Finnish pal, Paavo. He likes stroking that grotty beard of his.

Moving on to more interesting things, i've bought all my CNY clothes and shoes! I'm in love with this shop in Holland V, it's called Inphinity. Bought most of the things from that shop.

ok, that's all for now... ciao!

Please Shoot Me

Please Shoot Me

I'm stuck in my FA class typing this. The prof is too much, way too much. He gives boring and monotony a new meaning. And the thing that takes the cake is that his powerpoint slides are from a cd that comes with the textbook. Like everyone says, he's the textbook come to life. Sigh.

I'm so bored. Am being dragged down to Yishun to check out the childcare centre for our LTB project. Sigh. Bloody Yishun. Godforsaken place. It's gonna take me forever to get home. Morever, i will have to jostle with the merciless going home crowd. I hate Mondays.

Had my comms individual presentation this morning. I don't think i did exceptionally well; my speech was peppered with occasional silence as i tried to scramble for my notes, all the while screaming "Shit! I'm screwed!" inside my heart. Sigh. But the Prof said i did okay. So well. At least sleeping late didn't go to waste.

Have another hour of FA to go through. The lesson is a snooze-fest. You see everyone's expression glazing over, or else no one is paying attention. Big surprise.

Bored

Bored

Aarrgggghhh. I'm bored stiff, and that's in addition to being stiff all over. Had volleyball training on Friday. I'm sooo out of shape it's sickening. I ache in so many places all i want to do is roll around on my bed and die. Haha, what a depressing thought. Went for dinner with my JC friends after training... went to Pizza Hut (again! went there with Syl, Kris and Ying Wen on Thursday!). I'm not gonna eat Pizza Hut for a long long time...

Went shopping with the boyfriend yesterday. Bought all my CNY clothes. Might post pictures if i have the energy, but it's just too much effort. haha, i'm such a lazy slob.....

Attempting to do homework now... i just CAN'T concentrate! What is wrong with me???? Hence this update, even though i have nothing interesting to report... Just trying to waste time. I'm in sooo much trouble... how the hell am i gonna get all the work done????

Watching the Singapore vs Indonesia match later at HOME. failed to get tickets due to procrastination. *pout* didn't get to go out due to homework commitments. yyeeeuugghsss..... someone kick me in the ass to start the motor!!!!!!!!

The Irony Spilleth Over

The Irony Spilleth Over

The greatest tragedy of my life has occurred; i've just been called a bimbo by a person who personifies himbo-ness and whose thoughts are never far from the next girl he can shag and dump. Mark called me a bimbo while we were having lunch, and he meant it. The knife has never dugged deeper into my heart.

I literally saw red when he dared to mouth the unholy word, made even unholier from that unclean mouth. I wanted to cause so much bodily hurt to him that Sylvia was alarmed. Of course, she was also amused, but alarmed nonetheless. All i could think of was, "How dare that himbo call ME a bimbo!? With what capacity is he fit to name and judge ME?" The sheer audacity of his language caused me to think of all the different ways i could dismember his huge, ugly chunk of humanity gone wrong.

Urgh. Sometimes, i wonder why i even bother. I was complaining to Aldric over msn and all he could do was snort and offer a bit of sympathy. Really. Definitely, some people have called me a bimbo before, but always in jest. (i hope) Unfortunately, coming from King Dickhead himself, the insult went much deeper. It practically hit me in the gut and bowled me over. Yes, i'm that offended. And to think that i have to deal with that creep who carries condoms in his wallet and puts pictures of women he surreptiously takes on his computer screen, for the rest of the semester. God bless my soul. (and brain from being close to a mindnumbingly-stupid jackass)

I'm sick, sick, sick

I'm sick, sick, sick

Aargh, someone save me. i came down with a mysterious illness on tuesday and i'm suffering it's after-effects.

it all began on tuesday morning, when my tummy started to feel weird during my stats class. maybe it was brought upon by the incessant droning of the prof, but whatever the case, i dashed to the toilet and crapped my life out.

i got progressively worse during the lesson, culminating in me dashing into a cab and heading straight for home. been alternatedly sleeping and having bouts of diarrhoea. urgh.

but the worse had yet to come. i puked at 4am this morning. i basically sat on the toilet floor, willing myself to heave something out, if only to make the bloatedness go away. i sure did heave after a while; but since all i had for that day was an apple, my stomach contracted severely before the little bits of apple came out. not nice at all.

have to go to school tomorrow. and then to work. not looking forward to it at all. i still feel incredibly weak, probably due to the lack of eating and all that shitting. urgh. but always be positive, hence the one bright spark of this whole fiasco is that i'm losing weight. hah.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year

2004 ended on a sad note. the tsunamis created a lot of misery and suffering, and i can't help but feel guilty that i'm so unaffected by it all. however, 2005 is beginning with the world showing each other just what humanity is all about. that brings with it a spark of hope that maybe the world isn't that messed up and apathetic after all.

spent new year's eve with my jc classmates, fadz and paavo. weird combination eh? people i used to not know well, someone i barely even know, and the love of my life. it's interesting to see my ex-classmates again; we seem to have grown closer through the lack of contact. haha, like we seem to get along better from not seeing each other every day.

we spent the day playing frisbee, cycling (in the rain!) and just hanging out in edwin's 10-men tent. the rain dampened things a little, but nonetheless, it was pretty fun.

at 12 midnight, the ships docked in the bay of singapore lined up and fired their flares. the sky was alit with all the bright red flares, traditionally a signal for help. but that night, the flares seemed to symbol hope; hope that everything was going to be alright after all.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Merriest Christmas! I love the festive season! Yes, there is the tedious and seemingly endless gift-shopping and painful elbowing through the throngs of hundreds in Orchard, but i do think it's all worth it. hah. take that scrooge!

i spent christmas eve (and christmas morning) with Fadz at HangOut@Mt.Emily. It's this incredibly chic and secluded hotel in the middle of Little India that overlooks Mt. Emily Park. It's surrounded by landed property and is next to this deserted and incredibly spooky mansion that gives me the creeps. hohoho. But surprisingly, it was fully booked. Probably because it was featured in 8 days. and there were groups of people who went there for parties and countdowns.

but i digress. anyway, it was wonderful spending the night with fadz. we went for indian food at some little indian restaurant where we were made fun of by the waiter (hah, for once we were in a place where we were equally culturally-inept). we walked all the way to bugis before deciding that it would be more fun just spending time alone. so back to the hotel. haha, i wish i could do it more often.

we exchanged gifts at 12 midnight. i gave fadz part of his gift; the Undead VCD. yes, yes, i know, how sad and stupid a movie that is... but his look of incredulous and happiness made the embarrassment i suffered while purchasing it all worthwhile. i had to leave his 2nd present, the CD rack at home cos it was just impossible to bring there. fadz gave me this super cute GUESS? bag. oh man, it must have cost him quite a bit... but i love it to bits, and i love him to bits!

waiting for my dad to get home; haven't opened the presents from the folks yet... can't wait!!!

Merry Christmas! it's the season for lluuurrrvveeee!

I'm on a rage rampage

I'm On A Rage Rampage

Sigh, life can get so depressing. and that's really weird, considering how it's Christmas time and all. ok, this sudden bout of self-pity has been brought about due to me being 1) stuck being Geraldine's slave until the end of December; 2) I'm freaking damn broke; 3) Geraldine's fucked-up, racist comment.

But i'm most disturbed by her racist comment that all malays are good-for-nothings, including Fadzli. Just because she has encountered a few malays that don't turn up for appointments, she thinks that all malays do not know how to capture opportunities and are hence useless. and just because fadz went to RI and then AJC, that means that he is a good-for-nothing too for not fulfilling his potential. I was so, so mad. i wanted to hurl something at her and call her all sorts of mean things, that miserable spinster who doesn't even know what love is. all she does know is how to calculate a person's worth through her hard, cold, HR eyes. she doesn't see past academic worth because that's all she knows. what would she know about the intricacies of a relationship? who is she to comment about a person's worth? she, when she has so much more potential, chooses to stay in a dead-end job and entertainment a fucked-up boss when she could move on. again, how is she qualified to judge a person's worth?

sheesh, and she's always so self-righteous and constantly tries to fish for compliments and be told that she's needed. i mean, for someone so insecure, she sure has a lot of opinions about people. bah. i know i shouldn't be talking about my sister like this, but she can such a hypocrite. she can smile at you and ooze warmth, but underneath that facade, she's just a cold and cynical fake. bleah.

and i think back on all the times when she would nudge and "graciously" offer to treat me and Fadz to a meal. how's that for fakeness? if you really think that someone is not good enough, don't go the extra mile to make that person feel welcome. it's disgusting. even when it's your own sister.

what am i going to do? how can i stand being around someone like that?

and by the way, what difference does it make that someone is from RI or RGS? most of them end up in NUS anyway. hah.

Weeee... i'm back!

Weeee... I'm back!

My blog has been acting up. everytime i try to upload a new entry, it wouldn't work. let's hope this proves to be the exception i'm waiting for.

my, my, it almost seems like i've taken a hiatus from cronicling my notoriously boring life. unfortunately, life has taken a even more boring turn, and hence, in an attempt to cure me of some of this amassing boredom, i'm gonna write about it. hah.

so what's been up with me lately? nothing much. finished the Show Me The Money Bootcamp on Friday. And my team won! ok, not the original team, cos 2 members dropped out at the zenith minute. but then choon kiat jumped in and lo and behold, our crazy, last-minute presentation kicked the asses of the other contestants. it's moments like this that truly tests one's faith and endurence.

aside from the working aspect of my life, things have been.... very quiet. hung out with the boyfriend as usual. we are settling into a routine of monotone. sometimes, it gets so mundane i feel like wrapping my fingers around him and shaking him so hard until something happens. fat chance of that happening. anyway, we did cook dinner for the family. well, he cooked a lot of it. muahaha, a house husband anyone?

stalking sheena's blog sometimes gives me insight. strange as it may sound, i'm getting moments of wisdom from one of the most screwed up, fucked up (literally and figuratively) 19-year olds i know. when 2 people have been too long together, that comfort zone that inexplicably surrounds you makes you not see the need to put in effort. it's like, it doesn't matter how i look anymore. cos i have my guy. that's the logic. but that's terrible! i feel like i'm losing my sensuality and sexiness. muahaha, yes, i believe i did once posess those 2 traits, no matter in how small amounts. sigh, do i need to jump a random guy to put that spark back into me?

oh well, let's see how things go. maybe i'll just go buy sexy underwear and seduce the boyfriend. bugger it. assuming he doesn't fall asleep on my couch first.

It's All Over... Finally

It's All Over... Finally

Sigh, that's such a loaded title for this entry. Yes, my exams are finally over. They've actually been over since the 26th, but the horror was only partially over. I have received a couple of my results. B- for MA (damn that hwang...) and B+ for BGS (not great either). bah, such pathetic grades. really. but i guess i asked for it. it's not like i've been working damn hard or anything...

anyway, currently going through this business workshop in SMU. yes, i know, how pathetic... i'm in school for a WORKSHOP and it's the holidays... joanne joanne joanne... what are you thinking?

anyway, it's been a wakeup call. everyone wants to start a business, be their own boss, yada yada yada.... BUT, like everyone has been telling us, only 20% will make it. and even then, a lot of people will fail. yes, i know all this, i've heard it numerous times at other seminars and workshops. i've even managed to be optimistic in spite of that. but for some reason, it's really hitting home this time. cos we have to actually sit down and research, market and survey, and finally come up with a business plan. the real deal. and we're pitching our business to venture capitalists on friday. so yes, it's very real, and very practical.

at the same time, i may have great ideas, but until i implement them, they will always just be inside my head. and i'm not sure if i'm ready for all the sacrifices. i have no money, no contacts, no nothing. all i have are ideals and ideas. am i really willing to let my relationships with my family, friends and boyfriend slide just to make money? am i willing to take the step now, and go forth for my dreams, when i still have to consider my academic life which is in the pits?

arrgh, and mostly, whatever i think of, there will be people out there who have also thought of similar ideas and have the means to implement the idea. i guess it boils down to this question, "Just how hard am i willing to work?"

as many of you may know, i'm really a lazy shitass most of my time. i LOVE to just do nothing. so i guess daydreaming will always remain daydreaming.

my my, time and cynicism have finally set in. goodbye perky, optimistic me. hello cynical bitch. sigh.....

My Life- An Iraqi Warzone

My Life - An Iraqi Warzone

Sigh... i wonder how humans are supposed to handle all the curveballs thrown to them. i can't speak for everyone, but i'm an emotional basketcase; the slightest thing can make a extremely happy, or crazy with sorrow. sigh. and in less than 24 hours, my life was brighter than anything, before crashing into the darkest abyss. sigh...

last night, fadz came over to return the umbrellas he borrowed. that was his excuse anyway. and he told me that he was booking in at 10. so i figured he wasn't staying very long. turns out that was only an excuse so that he could see me. he came at about 9--ish, and laid on my bed (beside me) as i was frantically trying to study MA with Shawn through msn. he didn't bother me, nor did he really expect much attention. he just came to accompany me and offer me moral support. for 2 hours. awwww.... my heart was singing with joy and i was really touched by this gesture. this love that bound him to my side, doing nothing much besides looking at the ceiling or my back.... knowing his warm presence was just a touch away... sigh.... i adore that fella.

but... as usual... all good things must be balanced out by negative elements. that's just the way life works. balance. to some extent, i've come to terms with it. so anyway, my MA exam was today. couldn't do the freaking paper. yup. i'm quite sure that i would fail. so that would mean that my overall grade is going ddoooowwwwnnn.... like some bad horror movie, i see my grade sliding towards the darkness, the danger, and yet, im paralysed with fear (or ignorance in this case), helpless to stop it. bah.

a while back, there was this report in the Straits Times about blogging. it made the comment that a lot of teens use the blog to write down this angst. teenage angst to be precise. i dunno if i'm still considered a teenager, but i sure know i have a lot of angst. when will i grow out of it??? when will i become cynical, jaded and too cool to be happy or miserable? haha, i don't see it ever happening.

I Have A Soft Spot for Little Boys

I Have A Soft Spot for Little Boys

Haha, little boys below the age of 9 beware: i may just sneak up behind you and hug your cute little tummy! frightened yet?

really, i think i have a thing for little boys, they are just so yummily, deliciously cute! Take Fadz's cousin, who's this little terror at age 5, but soooo adorable. he's always up to no good, incredibly mischeivous, but when he realizes that he has done something bad, he would turn on you with this amazingly cheeky grin. and my heart melts everytime.

when i went over for the Hari Raya celebration, as usual, he was creating havoc by running around nonstop. do you know that little boys smell of talcum powder? and their cheeks are incredibly smooth and soft? i couldn't resist, as a parting shot, scooping him into my arms and kissing his tiny cheek. muahaha, i sound like some pheodophilic maniac.

and today, on the bus home, i sat next to this tiny little boy, probably around 8. well, he was small for his age anyway. so yeah, he was exhuasted and fall asleep on my shoulder. instead of shrugging him off as i usually do with strangers, i allowed him to rest his weary head on my shoulders. when the bus hurtled over a pothole or something, he was jolted awake, and realized that he was sleeping on some stranger's shoulder. he then gave me this adorable sheepish grin and went back to sleep, leaning the other way. awwww......

okok, enough self-indulgence in little boys. oh man, that came out totally wrong... haha....

Some Sun After The Rain

Some Sun After the Rain

when men say that women change quickly, they have absolutely no idea at all....

after my last angst-filled entry, i evidently wasn't in a great mood. the great emotional well-up exploded into 10 minutes of frustrated tears, before i gathered my last semblance of happiness and joined the sister and mum for a buffet (again!) dinner at pheonix hotel. food wasn't too bad; overloaded on carbo. but after that, we went for a ktv session. haha, i know i know, i think i'm hooked, as long as i'm not the one paying. muahaha.

so 4 hours of non-stop singing; some good, some really bad. it was... fun. and so the last vestiges of frustration, anger and hurt blew away as i crooned to the sweet tunes of jay chou.

woke up in a semi-funk this morning. still not happy. in fact, as li wern later commented, i was in a grouchy, mean and bitchy mood. ah, what an accurate assessment. anyway, met the girls (li wern and pris... those freeloaders! hah!) at westmall before we all trudged down to the boyfriend's house. quite weird actually, that i was going to celebrate hari raya at his house when i was still kinda pissed at him.

unfortunately, the stupid boy forgot to inform me that at the chosen hour (1pm) the family was engaging in the traditional ritual of forgiveness. so there we were, slightly abashed for having intruded on such an intimate moment. which was spoiled when his stupid cousin attempted to ask for forgiveness from me so as to elicit an ang bow. moron. haha.

oh yeah, and i tried doing the whole kissy-hand thing with his uncle and grandma. weird moment, really weird. in fact, so weird they were taken aback. i love to stun people.

fast forward, fadz and i are cool now. i think we made up when i broke his mum's glass while attempting to do the dishes. sigh. isn't love grand?

The Stars Are Shifting

The Stars Are Shifting

Things haven't been great with the boyfriend lately. He's become kinda aloof and distant. i also find it incredibly strange that while he faithfully calls me every night when he's in camp, he doesn't bother to contact me when he comes out. not all the time, but at least enough times to make me feel uneasy. is the *gasp* end near?

i feel so terribly tired these days, both physically and emotionally. there are so many things happening in my life now, and yet, when i need him the most, he doesn't seem to be there for me. i swore to myself that i would never become a clingy girlfriend, the kind who needs her boyfriend to be around 24/7, but maybe that's just the kind of girl i really am. it's depressing to try to contact your boyfriend, send smses, and he doesn't reply. why? i have no idea.

on a slightly happier note, volleyball training yesterday was great. i got some of my form back. i was hitting the ball and scoring points. now i just need to train up my arm muscles again to really put power and spin behind the attack. happy happy! and pei jun even commented that i should be an attacker, and not languish behind as the libero, cos it's a waste of talent. muahahaha.. that really made my day. well, at least before i tried to sms fadz once last time and he didn't bother to reply.

just the other day, i called shawn sad for trying to hard to chase a girl who isn't showing interest. maybe in reality, i'm the truly sad one. seems like i'm stuck in a relationship that has no future, and the present just seems so murky.