Some memories hurt

It's like a snowball effect... You see something that triggers a memory, that then compels you to search further and you dig up memories that only serve to hurt even more.

Or in this case, inflict pain on myself.

F posted up pictures from jc time on fb. And there were 2 pics with of the two of us.

We looked so young, so happy and so in love.

I don't understand why he did it. He took down every other photo of us. Why bother reminding himself of us, when there's no more "us"?

I then took to reading my old blog entries, circa 2005. I was apparently so happy... But the thing is, i don't even remember some of the things that i wrote about.

Did we really share such a memory? Did we really have such a moment?

Sure, even then i was plagued by questions of religion. But i sounded SO DAMN SURE that everything was going to be for the better.

I don't regret ending a relationship that was already in my mind, on the decline.

But the romantic in me regrets that such a love had to end, that life really isn't like in fairy tales .

OMG OMG OMG OMG

How can I wait an entire month before I head off to Japan with the Zhao???

And let's just say the planning experience has been... different.

Usually, I'm the one who does all the detailing, the sorting out of day-to-day activities...

But the Zhao was not having any of it. He planned our entire 2-week trip!!! Buses and stations and all!

We're heading to Tokyo, Nikko and Aomori. And at Nikko, we are staying at this AMAZING ryokan, with an outdoor bathtub facing the nature wonderland.

I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE OF ANTICIPATION. The experience promises to blow our minds away: onsen, japanese-style room, and elegant, elaborate dining.

Unfortunately, it's so bloody expensive we're only staying 1 night. But still!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

There's nothing like...

Waking up to your loved one in the morning.

When I'm still in that sleep-induced state, brain not fully operational... and I turn over and see him. With his defences down, foreheard smooth and not furrowed in deep thought. Innocent.

Sometimes I wake up in his arms, other times I have to turn over and worm my way back into that warm cacoon. And he's always obliging, always ready to wrap his arms around me.

And it feels like the safest place in the world.

Teouble is, we usually end up running late when we bunk together. HAHA.

This Friday...

Is Hari Raya. I didn't even realise until Pei Won pointed it out to me.

In between work, ZW's trip and just daily living, i had clean forgotten. Lost track of time.

As Wen puts it, i have no reason to find the day significant anymore.

In all likelihood, i'd be working.. Even if i wasn't, it'd just be another public holiday...

So why do i feel so crummy for forgetting? Like it should be part of my dna, and by forgetting, i'm a really bad person?

Guess i'm thinking too much. Actually, it might help if i really do forgot it's significance.

What's the point of beating myself up now that it's over?

Sigh

Well, the Zhao is off to Pakistan to be a war journo.. Or not.

Despite there being destruction, disease, pain and violence, and despite my reservations, i couldn't say no.

As a fellow journo, i can understand the desire to see outside of Singapore, the lure of being thrown into utter chaos, surviving on your wits and witnessing something that's both horrifying but also appealing as a writer.

As one professional to another, how could i have denied him this chance? If someone gave me a plane ticket, i might have hopped on too.

So although the girlfriend part of me is terrified and worried and sickened with fear... I couldn't stop him.

He did say that if i expressed great opposition, he would pull out. I thought about it, but in the end, i just couldn't do it.

I can't wait for Tuesday to roll around...

Restless

Oh restless spirit, what exactly is it that i crave?

I sometimes wonder if i have a self-destructive nature.

If not for my fear of pain, i would probably have been one of those kids who sliced their arms to get some release from inner demons.

Seriously, i would find myself in a real dark place, contemplating if i should let things fester and deteriorate, wondering if i should destroy something that once gave me joy...

Just to see what happens....

See if it would really cause me pain, or if i would survive and simply move on.

Yup, in a twisty mood. I'm in a funk.

And i'm exasperated, so exasperated!

Why should i give a damn, if you don't give a damn about me?

Why can't i be thoughtless, if you are thoughtless?

Wish my brain would shut down. Just to give me some peace for a bit.

Caught between 2 desires

I may bitch a lot about my job but really, i do sometimes think i'm being overly dramatic.

Don't get me wrong; the work can be soul-sapping, especially in Singapore's media climate..

And my environment does get toxic, to the point where i'm afraid to question humanity and the EQ of some people...

But the non-work perks are so damn great.

In reference to my photo, i'm currently having a leisurely lunch at the marriott hotel cafe on a balmy Tuesday afternoon because I CAN.

Whenever i think i have reached my breaking point, a midweek day off really perks me up.

I have ME time - something so precious it's almost like a unicorn, mythical but unreal.

I can eat whatever i want, then do my hair and nails.. Without having to bother with the crowds or fret that i'm keeping someone waiting or have to make small talk.

I'm normally real sociable, but on some days, i just want to scream FTW (fuck the world).

Another perk of the job - being able to take cabs all the time for work. Seriously, i can't emphasise how much that has saved me. Passing out blissfully in the backseat, only to wake up refreshed for my job.

But should i stay in a job just for it's non-work perks?

I suppose if i can switch my brain off and just treat it as any other job.. Do what i have to do and leave.. It might work.

But sometimes i catch myself asking if that's all i'm capable of. Shouldn't i be out on the streets, trying to discover some injustice?

And then i realise it's 10pm, i've been working for 12 hours, and i have a morning job the following day.

And all desire to be a hard-hitting, cutting edge journo disappears.

I guess i'm lucky cos it's not like i need a regular working hours kind of job... No kids to take care off.. And the pay is not great, but i'm not in dire need to pay off a mortgage.

Plus the boyfriend also has shitty hours, so there's no real need to keep regular hours.

So being able to not work on random days, and not having to take work home is a huge, huge plus.

I just wish the actual work was more fulfilling. Then it's really be the perfect job for me.

I feel fat

Worse, i look fat on tv. It's utterly depressing.

Must be bad karma. I was at an event and saw someone with a round face and the thought "wow! That's a round face!" exploded in my head.

Damn the lack of exercising. And overeating (damn you lin zhaowei for overpampering me!)

Huh, i'm so depressed i'm contemplating running.

Maybe.

Relationships are a strange thing...

For all the plus points, there are some pitfalls.

Seriously, if we humans are not such sluts for companionship, I think the world would be a lot happier.

How many senseless battles have been fought due to the equivalent of (on a much larger scale, of course), "why you stare at/insult my girl?"

Feeling a little angsty thing morning, as you can tell.

The boyfriend and I are swimming along this river called love and time.

While it's been mostly peachy smooth, we do encounter the occasional bump. Sometimes a bump that's easy to ride over, sometimes enough to rile me up that I have to stew over it for a bit.

ZW is an incredibly intense person and when he sets his mind to something, he also sets a certain (very high) level that he has to achieve. And this applies to everything - work, love, even buying stuff. And he likes to extend that intensity to me too.

I, on the other hand, as most of you know, am quite happy just sailing through life, sometimes settling for less, not always concerned about standards... all in the name of leading a harmonious life with few worries.

So you can see why there may sometimes be clashes of personality. It's an unstoppable force meeting ... a flowing river?

Case in point: I'm looking to buy a new camera. Initially, I got all excited about buying a dslr (no doubt influenced by ZW)... but after calming down, I realised that I'm never gonna go pro. So why spend thousand of dollars on a camera that's heavy, black (ew) and produces pictures with a quality that I'm probably not going to be able to appreciate.

The boyfriend got a little annoyed but nothing major, cos he had spent some time looking for a nice pink dslr for me.

Anyway, the conclusion was that I wanted a nice, pink, point-and-shoot compact camera with decent specs.

Again, he embarked on a camera hunt.. and the way he operates is that he would scour the internet for writeups, recommendations... for HOURS on end.

Let me just say that I never EXPLICITLY asked him to look for a camera for me. In some sense, he took it upon himself to do it. Ok, sounding a little ungrateful here...

So when he next found a compact camera, pink no less, with pretty good specs, he got all excited over the fact that he found THE ONE.

And then I heard the price. And blanched. And hemmed and hawed a little...

Which then pissed him off. Cos to him, quality matters, and price is sometimes not a factor.

And then he kinda yelled at me to figure out what was important - did I want specs, did I want pink, did I want affordable?

Which riled me up (cos I don't respond well to hostility) and I said I want everything, cannot issit?

Then he got annoyed and starting throwing random recommendations, and calling them "cheap".

To cut a long story short, we both got all huffy and put down the phone.

Needless to say, I went to bed in a less than pleasant mood.

Fast forward to this morning... I open my gmail, and see that ZW stayed up till 3am looking for more camera models that would fit my requirements.

And he messages me when he wakes up, no anger left in him.

How can I stay mad, you tell me?

And once again, I'm left mystified, and yet, thankful, that I found him.

Family funnies

My family members are all jokers. Seriously.

So we're having dessert... And my mum rejects her chocolate cake as it has a mousse top.

She proclaims it's too soft.

A side note: my mum hates soft things.

So i asked, why can't you eat hard cheese?

Mum: hate it. Can't stand the smell.

Cheryl: so you can only eat hard and odourless things?

Like styrofoam?

At this point, my mum let out a string of expletives. Well, not exactly. But as violent as mums get. Teehee.

Day 1

Ramadhan has started... Triggering a flood of emotions and thoughts.

It's strange to imagine that at the start of this year, i was toying with the idea of fasting.

Sort of to ease myself into the Muslim way of life.

At that point, I could almost see my life panning out in a certain way, and i wanted to acclimatise so that when the transition happened, it would not be a total shock.

Guess things don't always happen the way you expect them to.

This time last year, I was making plans to ensure that I'd not be working during Hari Raya.

So that i could spend the whole day at F's house, hanging out with his relatives, even serving them as I would during Chinese New Year.

I would arrive in the morning, play with his baby cousins, feast on his mum's great cooking, talk to his uncles and aunts.

Sometimes i would fall asleep as the afternoon wore on, or tear after one of his naughty cousins in the corridor.

There's almost a twinge of sadness knowing that I won't be there this year.

I wonder if the whole family knows. I wonder if they will ask where I am. I wonder how F will answer the questions.

He's never been big on sharing his feelings, thoughts or what's happening in his life.

Sigh...

I may no longer be walking down that path, but these memories still linger.

Random Updates

I'm bored in the office. Will blog about random things.

As some of you may know, I was at the Padang yesterday reporting about the parade.

Thing is, I was so bored that I started snapping random pictures and uploading them on Facebook.

But since the whole world was probably equally bored and restless and plugged into their 3G phones, this meant the airwaves (internet waves? I dunno) were jammed.

Which made uploading photos a bitch. and battery-draining.

So I spent the whole afternoon rushing in and out of the media centre to charge my phone in-between attempting to do work. And the bloody phone still died in the end when I needed it the most - to call for a cab home. Sigh.

Fast forward to today. The boyfriend stayed over and graciously escorted me to work this morning.

Except that he dropped his phone in the cab. Some kind soul then called me cos I was the latest person on his phone log. So there I was, waiting for the cab to make a u-turn to where I was (high court, no less).

And I was wondering if the boy would be smart enough to call me. Cos just last week, we got into a ridiculous argument when he couldn't remember my handphone number. He kept saying he has his phone with him at all times and doesn't need to memorise numbers. I asked huffily what happens if he loses his phone.

Ah life is funny that way.

Anyway I knew he was walking about City Hall and figured I might as well check out the nearest shopping centre to see if I could bump into him.

Looked around, couldn't find him, then sat down for breakfast with another colleague who was also at court.

Lo and behold, ZW was in the same cafe, just blocked by a wall. HAHAHA! COINCIDENCE OR WHAT!

Then my stupid colleague had to leave his notebook behind. What is it with men and leaving things behind for me to pick up!!!!!

Ok, end of random update. Will go back to my regular schedule of thumb twiddling... which is a good thing. Cos I'm so bloody sleepy and tired.

BRAIN.NOT.FIRING.ON.ALL.LEVELS.

Trying to muster my nationalistic pride

Urgh, stuck with national day duty. In the scorching sun.

Just came from a stay-cation with the family. Kind off a family tradition.

Last year we checked into the Fullerton. This year, the Marina Mandarin. The whole family chills by the pool, goes for meals, went for a movie...

Laughed at my misfortune.

We even went for ktv, boyfriend included. As usual, he took the opportunity to make everyone swoon. I love, love, love his singing.

Doing duets with him are damn paiseh.

And now i'm stuck on a bus blashing cheena pop tunes.

Excellent.

Sometimes, I do pity the boyfriend

Cause when I'm in the mood, I can be downright horrible to be around.

I'm caustic, I flit from topic to topic trying to suppress my irritation, nothing holds my attention for long, I itch for a good yelling match, I allow myself to wallow into the depths of annoyance and impatience...

Like I said, I pity the boyfriend.

And it can be bewildering to keep up, as I switch from smiling, to sulking, to cutting, to pleasant. Huh, sometimes I even amaze myself.

Then I start to talk to quickly, speak in weird lingo (influenced by years of trashy American tv-meets mtv-meets e! entertainment) that can be confusing for someone with a more traditional (tv) viewing habit.

And when ZW goes "huh?" or fails to keep up with my (failed) logic, I get pissed off, like "get with the programme already!"

For someone (him) who takes things very personally, my unintention snub can turn potentially fatal.........

Sigh. I think I'd try even a saint's patience at this point.

Anyways, I'm back to sulking.

Back from Bali!

An utterly fabulous vacation... Which was nearly ruined by a last minute bout of food poisoning on the last day.

But i'm thankful for small miracles. I spent two amazing days in bali, lazing by the pool, eating amazing food, going for a massage... And best of all, just hanging out with ZW.

Haha, the thing about having a photographer for a bf is that... EVERYTHiNG has to be photographed. In the best possible light. From different angles.

Great for creating memories, but can be a little exasperating at times. Ah, but i guess it must be love when he convinces me to get out of bed at 6am and into the pool for an artistic water shoot. Hahhha..

And we were having so much fun that ZW contemplated, like seriously contemplated extending one more night. Like buying new plane tickets and booking the hotel room for one more night.

I managed to talk him out of it. Hey, it was the start of high season and prices shot up! I'm a thoughtful, great gf in that way. haha

But having food poisoning really, really sucks. I'm still a bit weak, the appetites's off.. And i'm real grumpy when i'm sick.

I snapped at ZW on the plane ride back to singapore, told him to bugger off when he tried to put his hands around me thinking to comfort me...

Hey, in my defence, my stomach hurt and i was alternating between chills and fever. Not exactly cuddle material.

And he still found me sexy. Hahah. Definitely a keeper. :)

Relocating

Don't worry, not me. Just been receiving news lately that a number of friends and acquaintances are throwing off the shackles of Singapore life and heading out to make their mark in the world.

I know three people who are heading to the Middle East, China and Hong Kong... and a certain Ms Tan has always made known her intentions to head to the US.. and my sister is already there.

What is it about moving to a foreign land that's so attractive? I personally have never felt the need to relocate. Seriously. And I don't think I'm being narrow-minded here. Heck, I know Singapore is definitely NOT the end all and be all. And it has many faults.

But it's home. And whenever I feel the need to see the world, I do just that. Head overseas and frankly, after a while, I do miss home and want to sleep in my own bed. I've been known to exclaim with glee upon reaching Changi Airport. It's warm! and carpeted! and look ma, pretty flowers!

Besides, I simply have too many connections tying me to Singapore. Family, friends, love...

Hell, I gave up the chance to study overseas because of well.. Fadz. Back then, there was no way I would have willingly chosen to be away from him for 6 months because I knew that would spell the end of our relationship. And I never regretted that decision.

Now.. well, there's a new link tying me to Singapore. :)

Some people may scream... "WHY THE HECK ARE YOU GIVING UP CAREER FOR A MAN?? A MERE MAN!!?? WHAT HAPPENED TO INDEPENDENT WOMEN?"

Err, ok.. more power to you. But do I strike you as the career type? Besides, who says I can't have both? And surely I need to feel a powerful attraction for this foreign land before making the leap right??

I do think I've travelled quite a bit (by far no where complete, but sufficient).

And I've yet to visit a place that I can conceivably call a second home. The closest would probably be New York, but even then, I hate the stinky, old subway where you never know if you're going to be molested and even then, you're helpless and you can't do anything on the crowded trains.

London - expensive, grey and sometimes depressing
Tokyo - language barrier
Melbourne - racism
Hong Kong - health hazard
Paris - safety concerns (haven't you all heard how I was accousted by a gang of men at the foot of the White Cathedral or Basilica or whatever you call it??)

And I haven't really figured out what I want to do with me life. If that's the case, how do I even go about searching for opportunities?

I suppose my current job has also contributed to the lack of restlessness. If I was stuck in a 9-to-5 job in the office, I would probably go out of my mind as well.

But my life is such that I'm often praying to be in the office. Most days, I'm thrown out of the office and pounding the streets. When I'm working, I rarely have the time to even think, much less ponder about my sad life.

(Ok, now's the exception cos I'm manning the morning shift that's a nice respite from all the normal craziness.)

But back to the post. Relocating.. despite all my protests, I would never say never. I just need a strong enough incentive.

The girls over for dinner and guitar hero

Yes, that's two people on drums. And we still failed :(

Me boy in action

Going behind the lense

Having tasted what it feels like to be in front of the camera, i thought i'd go behind the camera for a lark.

Helped out ZW at this event... To do general filming. It's surprisingly difficult.

My shoulders are aching from carrying a tiny camera. I dunno how my cameramen do it with a real, 20kg camera.

My hands are definitely shaky, my eye for composition can be improved.

But at least from hanging out with cameramen so often, i know at least, where to be at the right time.

Oh, and photogs can be downright ruthless. I was pushed around, yelled at, glared at. I screamed right back. In my private capacity, i can piss people off. Bleagh.

But.... Guess i'd stick to being a talking head. ;)

How times have changed

It just hit me the other day that i haven't watched a movie in a long time.

Why is that significant, you ask?

In my previous relationship, watching movies was more than entertainment, it was practically a way of life, a religion. Not week went by without at least 1 film, or 2.

I suppose since the ex wasn't financially sound, and i'm never that, watching movies is a relatively cheap way to pass time.

Besides, after a while we ran out of things to do and movies were a convenient option.

But that isn't the case now. I suppose the newness of the relationship means we haven't fallen into a pattern yet. Or have fallen back on a standard activity to pass for spending time together.

Speaking of the relationship, it's very strange.

We've been together less than 2 months, but it doesn't feel like a new relationship.

He doesn't feel like stranger, neither do i feel awkward around him.

You know how sometimes when meeting a new person, you might try to put on your best persona and act all perfect?

Not me. I've sulked, pouted, yelled, punched, cried, screamed, fallen sick, been emotionally detached.. And he still loves me. Amazing.

I wonder if this is it. After a period of restlessness and doubt, have i finally found what i what, what i need? :) guess time will tell.

And should that be the case, I wonder what our couple activity will eventually be.

I hope it's something exciting. Like travelling.

Speaking of that, we're going to bali in july!!! Excited to the max.

Will be heading to the Alila Ubud. Ssscccrreeaammm!!

Oh, and keeping to the theme of the post, even though it kinda deviated.. The last movie i watched was Snow Prince, on my birthday.

Haven't seen SATC, nor Toy Story 3... Or anything really. And it doesn't really bother me. :P

Day 2

Struggling to keep awake at a super eeaarrlllyyy conference. A seemingly non-stop line of speakers being trotted out, one after another.

In my sleep-deprived state, all the speakers are starting to merge as one. Fabulous.

People around me are either spacing out, sleeping outright or playing with their phones.

So are my fellow reporters. Have we ever looked more bored?

Trying out blogging from my mobile

Ever since i signed up for a data plan, i've been obsessively looking for things to do on the go.

Facebook only takes me so far. Cue mobile blogging.

Anyway, i was in batam over the weekend and boy was that good.

It's amazing how a massage can really lift one's spirits.

Even though i had to work, at least i didn't end up feeling like shit.

Or maybe that's cos i escaped with doing radio only. Heh.

Today's Funny, courtesy of my mum

I'm heading off to Batam for the weekend, with the girls and ZW.

Massage haven, here I come to get kneaded and pounded!

Speaking of ZW, my family keeps calling him that, ZW. They say his name is difficult to pronounce. Huh.

Anyway, my mum has the habit of taking down the handphone numbers of the people I'm travelling with (yes friends, my mum can stalk you guys).

So I have her ZW's number. And it's a pretty sweet number. Plenty of eights and easy as pie to remember.

My mum, immediately impressed, starts counting the numbers and plotting her next 4-D bets.

Sigh.

J'adore

After a really crummy day at work (stupid floods are ruining my life!), I was all ready to collapse and was walking around the office like a zombie.

Think 12-hour day, chasing floods, tracking down drains... on an empty stomach.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system around me.

I reached home, and my mum promptly steamed up a ba zhang for me, while my sis poured me a stiff drink of choya, straight up.

And still in his work clothes (he came by my office to pick me up), my darling ZW started cooking soup for me.

He even put up with my diva request "I don't like lumps in my soup".

Sure, it was instant soup, but hey, sweet nonetheless. Nothing like a man who knows his way around the kitchen. Sexy.

Pity I still fell sick today. Argh.

Photos!

No cohesive thought running through this post.. just that maybe I should post a few photos up cos the blog is looking kinda boring with all the words, words, words.

I suppose a plausible theme would be that I'm trying to condense a month's worth of events into a 5-minute photo entry.

On that note, I'm the world's crummiest girlfriend. For our one-month anniversary, I gave ZW a crummy card. He on the other hand, gave me a map of the world (cos he wants to travel the world with me... awwww) and created a photo album of our time together so far, complete with notes. I felt like sinking into my chair when he pulled the present out of his bag...

I suppose this is my poor man's version of making up for that imbalance?

So here are some pretty pictures. :D


As most of you know by now, ZW and I met in China. And the chemistry was pretty instant. It's not often you find someone whom you feel comfortable with straight away. We were talking like old friends by the 2nd day of the camp. This is still one of our favourite photos by far.


This was taken on the last day of the camp. If you can detect a slightly sheepish expression on my face, that's cos we both knew something was going on, but neither of us wanted to admit it... Circumstances then made it difficult to imagine that we could be more than friends. Or rather, I didn't want to contemplate a "what-if" scenario, cos daydreaming can be so dangerous.. Guess things worked out differently :)


My birthday! This was taken at Morton's. Yup, I carried a doraemon doll around the fancy restaurant. Haha! We call this the family picture. ZW was using a Polaroid camera that day, with some apparently fancy Black+White film. Huh. I swear by digital cameras. Can take multiple shots, can look at them before deciding to keep or trash. With Polaroid it's just liddat.

Yes, this is my very messy room. Sighhh.. This was taken when we celebrated ZW's birthday. Our birthdays are in fact, just 2 weeks apart. Ahh, 2 Geminis.. I made him a lava chocolate cake which I have to say, was quite delish, if not for a little defect in its appearance...

See, I wasn't bluffing.

Brought him to Picotin for dinner. Great pizzas, but skip the foie gras, and don't wear too many layers cos the air-con is non-existent.


The jacket was my birthday present to ZW. Yes, I know, he's a super poseur. But I love this shot. A) Cos I took it and B) Cos I think he looks preettyy fine. :D

Loving someone is serious business... seriously exhuasting business.

Think the lack of sleep is getting to me. Breakouts, eye bags, water retention.

Gaahhh!!!!

On the bright side, celebrated ZW's birthday yesterday.

I think it was a pretty good day. *satisfied smirk*

The First Month...

Has been filled with love, puzzlement, new discoveries, laughter and anger. Yup, I think we've covered quite a wide range.

It's both exhilarating and scary to know a new person, and attempt to find out if something long term can be established. Especially under our circumstances.

With schedules as mad as ours, we are often left with snatches of time, precious hours after work, stolen moments in between maintaining some normalcy of life.

Throw in friends, family, work, birthdays.. and sleep goes out the window. But I suppose it's a small sacrifice for what I get in return.

It's the small things that leave the deepest impressions. The small gestures, sometimes unconscious, that can cause me to both smile and leave me vexed.

I love how his face can be a picture of serenity, but his ears will turn a flaming red when he's had alcohol, is embarrassed or gets angry.

I love that he gives me bear hugs that feel like my bones are about to break, leaving me breathless and warm.

He doesn't use cologne, but gives off this musky smell that permeates from his skin and gets onto his clothes, that I'm crazy about.

He's real friendly and not shy to strike up a conversation with my family or friends.

Did I mention that he serenaded the KB girls during our KTV session with 张学友's "如果爱", which caused Meibao to ask if he was in choir, and all I could think was " damn, my boyfriend is hawt!"

He has kinda impressed my family with his scholarly achievements, but what really took it over the edge was when he referenced the Great Gatesby during a conversation Cheryl and I was having about Long Island, New York. I caught the glint of surprise and approval on Cheryl's face.

He walks with a slight hunch, and I'm always reminding him to stand up straight.

He gives me these long looks that I'm unable to look away from, and I find myself hopelessly lost in his gaze, no mean feat considering that his eyes are so small (hur hur hur).

He's shown great patience and understanding when I fall into a funk, or get majorly guilt-ridden. At no point did he ever say "snap out of it".

He's so ticklish that I can just give him a "look with intention" and he'd immediately recoil from my touch and burst into laughter.

He likes to ruffle my hair and call me "silly girl" in a tender manner - something that both annoys me and yet, causes me to break into a smile.

Of course, the man is by no means perfect.

He has an awful temper, and is quick to get angry.

Sometimes, I don't even realise that I'm antagonizing him, but he takes it personally and gets real fired up.

He doesn't like dissent, which I do real well. In fact, I'm all for differing opinions, but he hates that.

He rushes into things head first, sometimes without thought, and gets frustrated when I'm not as eager, or quick to get on board.

Er, I know the con list is really short compared to the pro list... but they're BIG cons ok!!!!

I wonder what the next month will bring. :)

Melancholy

Now that some of the initial high of a new relationship has worn off... the hormones have calmed down and the giggly fits have subsided... it feels like my mind is trying to sabotage me.

Woke up in a start this morning, heart pounding. Wished I didn't dream the things I did.

At times, the memories and thoughts of what I've done will creep in, forcing me to confront myself.

I wonder if I'd ever find peace.

The temptation to check on F.. to ask for forgiveness.. is sometimes overwhelming. But I know I can't. And more importantly, I don't deserve it.

Li Wern talks about karma. Of consequences. I wonder if in the end, I may just create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because everytime I fall into this rut, I push ZW further away. And it's unfair to him.

I wish I can curl up in his arms all the time and not have to think. Because that's the only time I feel safe and not haunted by my own demons.

This is not something that he can help me with. Except be patient and understanding. I just pray he has both, and thinks I'm worth the effort.

Huh, I was all ready to write a really sweet and dreamy post.

But then, we got into this massive... argument? Heated discussion? Yelling match? It may have been online, but I swear, I could totally imagine us screaming at each other if we were speaking in person.

And what sparked it off? Apple. And world domination.

*insert swear words*

:)

The meeting with the family wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. In fact, I think my family was downright charming in our normal screwball way, and ZW was thankfully, put at ease.

Guess the Awfully Chocolate Cake was the perfect bribe.

Full, contented and loved. Life's good. :)

Here's a photo for the curious. I took it on one of our earlier dates and I dunno, I guess I love his expression.



Yeah, I know his eyes are small.

Welcome to my life

So ZW met Kristin, Sylvia and Shawn last night.

And I must say it was a little... awkward.

Unlike the meeting with Gerrie and Jiamei, where the alcohol had already been flowing and everyone was merrily buzzed by the time ZW arrive, this get-together was done entirely sober.

I suppose it's too much to expect that everyone would be instantly comfortable and talking freely with ZW.

And I can't assume that everyone is entirely ok with the situation.

Shawn has taken on a slightly hostile stance. I wouldn't say he's rude.. just stand-offish perhaps? So unless his normal warm self.

Kristin says he's just being a daddy and protective of me. Huh. I'm like how old already, can? Tried to make a joke out of it, but only elicited dead silence.

And the last time I saw Kristin, I was with a different guy -_-'' We did laugh about that, albeit nervously.

So being me, I tried to over-compensate and started chattering away like a monkey. Didn't work either. Sigh.

Next time perhaps. Right, guys? There will be a next time????

Anyway, ZW is coming over to my house for a family dinner tomorrow. That should be fun. He's already met the parents, but in a "hi-i'm-taking-your-daughter-out-for-her-birthday" kinda meeting.

This time, however, will be the full works. Whole family present, seated around the family table, for a couple of hours at least, with hot soup (steamboat) between us.

I'm getting a bit nervous, quite honestly.

AND DEAR READERS (all 2 of you), YOU CAN'T STOP READING FROM THIS POINT ON COS I FEEL A GUSHFEST COMING ON AND YOU MIGHT SERIOUSLY BARF.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

It's been slightly more than 20 days since we officially got together. And I can only describe the feeling as... magical.

There's been surprisingly little awkwardness between us. Sure, I knew we have chemistry, but I didn't think things would fall into place this easily. Sometimes, it feels like he's been walking beside me forever.

He makes me incredibly happy because he's funny, and lame, and sweet and yet, so.... male.

There's this arrogance about him that's both frustrating and so charming. He always wants things his way, and yet, when he yields, it feels like my heart just melts a thousand times over.

He speaks a foreign language - Japanese - and even though I have no either what he's whispering in my ear.. it just sends a tingle down my spine.

And I'm sure you guys know I'm no delicate flower, and yet, I sometimes find myself feeling so utterly vulnerable and... feminine around him.

I love stroking his face. As much as it irks me that his skin is a billion times better than mine, I love having my own personal, warm satin blanket. Yup, that's how it feels when he wraps his arms around me.

Sure, it's not been all smooth sailing.. and there have been a couple of petty arguments and minor disagreements.

It's moments like these that I get a closer glimpse at the person ZW is. Sometimes, it scares me because what I think is a small thing can set him off big time.

And he would throw up this wall between us and refuse to look at me and start fiddling with his Blackberry.

Which sucks. And with a temper like mine, patience is most certainly not a virtue.

And I find myself caught between two options - to be coldly logical and ask him to snap out of it, or swallow some of that rush of anger and try to work things out.

Surprisingly, I've found myself choosing the latter. Maybe cos I'm using the one causing the misunderstanding.

I wonder how I would react when it's the other way around. Hmmm... or it must be lluurrrvvee. Haha..

Ok, I shall end here. Starting to ramble anyway. Huh, I write coherent angsty posts, but my thought process is less clear when I'm happy. Wonder what that says about me.

A Quarter of a Century (Super long, wordy entry cos the older I get, the more long-winded I become!)

Last year, I was furiously scheduling friends, family and boyfriend into a super-duper deluxe birthday week that saw me partying and eating from one end to the other.

Theme: fabulosity.

This year... recent upheavals in my life taught me how to appreciate quiet moments. So the birthday week was all about spending time with loved ones, with simply dinners and enjoying each other's company.

So it was penciling in and moving around friends, family and (new) boyfriend (hur hur, ok bad joke) to fit my schedule.

In fact, I think many outings weren't even celebrations, more like, it just happened around my birthday. -_-'''

Anyway, I'd take it. Good company, good food, good times.

Flew back from Hong Kong on the 19th. Enjoyed the birthday getaway with the mum, and the gluttony started early.

Attended the MediaCorp News Awards on Friday, got nominated for Young Journo of the Year but alas, lost to the print reporter (wasn't expecting to win anyway).

At least the buffet after the awards was good; had a little too much to drink and gulped down two glasses on an empty stomach (in my defense, I was thirsty), and a third just to get things on the way.

Headed off to Que Pasa with colleagues Gerrie and Jiamei for a night of good food (pizza and chicken wings that can cause an orgasm!!) and more wine (wheee.. another half a bottle!)

I blame the alcohol overload on sheer nervousness. Cos G & JM wanted to meet Zhao Wei. I practically badgered the poor boy to come meet us even though he had worked a really, really long day.

Let's just attribute the anxiety to the fact that JM was decidedly hostile; she never really approved of my actions. She was all set to grill him, and boy, she sure didn't hold back.

I'm proud to say that ZW held his ground and wasn't intimidated. At the end of the night, I'd even say JM thawed out a little. And I know G gave him the thumb's up.

Met half the KB gang on Saturday for dinner. Headed over the Gyu-Kaku at Chijmes and drowned ourselves in bbq meat. As Pei Wen put it, could feel our arteries clogging up.

And we washed it down with peanut butter chocolate shakes at Max Brenner. Seriously, right?

Sunday was a major outing. Cos ZW had planned a whole day of festivities. And he met the parents for the first time (boy, was that awkward).

I knew he had some major game up his sleeves, but boy, I sure wasn't expecting him to pull the rug out from under my feet.

He came bright and early to my door at 10.30am.. Carrying a major plastic bag with two items. I had asked for a framed photograph (cos he's a photog) to hang above my bed, so that was expected.

But he pulled out the other item first... a red breakfast table.

ZW explained that since I didn't have a proper table to work at, and was oftened hunched over my laptop while sitting on the bed, the table would be more comfy as I can lean back. And it's true, I'm using it to type this right now, while leaning back against my pillows.

Well, very thoughtful... but I was having a hard time expressing the appropriate feeling cos well.. it's a breakfast table (sorry baby!).

I wanted my real present! He then pulled out this framed photo of hearts. It's difficult to describe, and I wish I could post photos, but they're all in my handphone and I lost the transfer cable!

Anyway, it's a collage of 25 hearts to represent my age.. and it's so incredibly difficult to describe.. think pictures of... a heart made of nutella on a piece of bread.. or a chalk drawn heart on a black background..

Man, I'm doing a terrible job of describing the photos, and if you guys think it's incredibly cheesy.. screw you! The photos are damn nice!

We then headed out for lunch at Oriole at 313@ Somerset.. On the way there, ZW casually took my hand and commented that I didn't wear rings.

Cue flippant comment from me like "Oh, I have a whole collection of chunky rings, but I don't really like them anymore." He then pulled out a mid-sized ring from his bag.. of this incredibly cute red camera. But I'm sad to report that Mr Lin subsequent broke the ring while holding my hand. @_@

Lunch was good, followed by a movie.. Heard of Snow Prince? Neither had I. But the show was surprisingly good, the cinematography so sweeping that it nearly made me weep, and a tragic story line that really made me cry.

And then things took a little funny twist. We stepped out of the cinema, and spotted those UFO catcher machines. My eyes fell on this incredibly adorable Doraemon doll and I casually challenged ZW to win it for me. (Inside joke)

And he actually did. I was like, you mean people actually win? I even asked him if he rigged the whole thing.. HAHA

We then walked around a little.. which was apparently a diversion tactic cos I had early guessed our dinner location. He brought me to Morton's for steak.

I know. How extravagant, right? I had once mentioned that my fave food in the world was steak, and no one did steak like Morton's. And ZW remembered. Cue jaw dropping.

And Morton's is fabulous. They printed special menus with my name on it, and I was greeted by name by all the servers... Service was impeccable.

The man started ordering like no tomorrow.. think Alaskan King Crab legs, steak, asparagus, salad, chocolate cake...

Mid-way through, he turned to me and pulled out a little powder blue bag. Yes, a Tiffany bag.

At this point, I think I was just overwhelmed by all the gestures and effort that he put in and blurted out that I could not accept his gift.

He reassured me that it was definitely not a ring.. But still!!! I've known the dude for like what.. a month?? I'm not sure if I can articulate the feeling, but it just felt too much, too extravagant, and too soon.

All these grand gestures, that although were greatly appreciated.. also felt a little inappropriate. I'm a simple girl! And such things are reserved for what.. at least the 6-month mark?

Haha, anyway, let's just say the night took an uncomfortable turn that could have been disastrous because my attitude was obviously not what ZW was expecting.

But he's just amazing lah. His thought process? He just wanted to make me happy. And I was, I am.. just.. unsure of how to respond in such a situation.

After the little hiccup, we didn't know where to go as the weather was too darn hot, we were too darn full, and plonked ourselves on the couch outside Morton's.

ZW had a final surprise for me. At first, he was a little hesitant to pass me my final present, after my last violent reaction. But I had recovered and asked for it.

Knowing what a Glee fanatic I am, he pulled out a final gift - the soundtrack of the Glee Madonna episode.

The icing on the cake? ZW actually brought along a CD player just in case I wanted to listen to the CD on the spot. I actually dropped the CD in pure, unadulated shock.

So yeah.. that was my birthday eve celebration.

Anyway, rounded up the celebrations with an excellent Italian dinner with the family at Etna on actual birthday. Ate too much as usual. And still the mum insisted I drink a bottle of bird's nest. Tsk tsk.

All in all, another great birthday.

Saying goodbye to a grand love

I finally cried. Was wondering when, and if, that would ever happen. Guess I got my answer.

And it was in the strangest of circumstances. I was on the bus en-route to the Hong Kong airport to fly back to Singapore.

Had a pleasant enough holiday with the mum, and I was settling into the hour-long journey by turning on the ipod.

Flicked through songs and settled on Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone". Why? I have no idea. But I knew that F posted the song on his facebook wall days after we broke up.

And as I was listening to the lyrics, tears started welling up and poured down my face. I tried to keep as quiet and silent as possible, so as to not freak out my mum.

Hope she didn't notice. I was barely breathing at that point. Guess the huge shades helped, as did the early morning grogginess.

The tears lasted for the duration of the song. And then I stopped.

I dunno why I started crying. Maybe cos everything that F wanted to say, or couldn't say, was summed up in the song.

I could practically feel him enunciating every word. And now I understand why he didn't fight for me.

Because it truly, and honestly is over. Fadz + Jo are no more. We've hurt each other so much, so deep, there's simply no going back. The poison has permeated too deeply.

I think the worst thing throughout this entire experience is that.. I know he tried his best, or to the best of his ability to love me.

And it still wasn't enough.

Ultimately, there were some things that could not be changed, and trust issues that could not be overcomed, even with love. This breakup was simply a time bomb waiting to ignite, and I pulled the pin.

And it really was a grand love, my first love.

I thought our love could surmount any difficulty. We stood in the face of parental disapproval, racial and religious differences. I endured countless "minah and ahmad" jokes, endless prodding about converting, hours of conversations about what it means to be a Muslim...

And we survived through the tough times.. him entering NS, me starting work when he was still a student...

We talked about our common future, our marriage, our family, even down to the bedsheets and wall colour.

But now I realise it was always... "in the future"... "in time to come".. "we're working towards".

And that's the thing - what exactly were we racing towards? This mythical future where everything will be perfect?

It's almost as if we turned a blind eye to whatever was happening NOW, to the relationship that was stagnating NOW, that our paths were diverting NOW.. because we both wanted to believe so badly that a better future lay ahead.

And I always thought that once F finished school, once he started working and earning money, that would be when our future started. It was supposed to be the next lap of the marathon. The comfortable, stable, happy lap.

But as we approached the finishing line of this first leg, I couldn't see the next lap happening. It was like running into a brick wall.

I was done. I was spent, I could go no further.

And like a desperate rat on a sinking ship, I did the next logical thing - I jumped ship.

I had been thinking, perhaps not consciously, of simply leaping into the water just to see what would happen.

But not having someone to catch me was terrifying, and kept me on the boat. I remember my SMU friend Angie once saying that women are afraid to leave long-term relationships because they're afraid there's no one else out there.

At that time, I disagreed furiously, because, well, we all like to think that we're independent women who can be single, right?

Guess I wasn't being entirely truthful.

So when ZW sailed up, I jumped.

Because he is what I need and want NOW, and as cheesy as it sounds, the world stopped being so gloomy. I stopped feeling depressed or morose for no good reason, and a simply message or MMS from him can cause my cheeks to hurt from smiling too much.

So even though I'm not sure if we're heading for an ice berg (ok, enough with the stupid ship metaphors, hur hur)...

I feel safe, and loved, and happy, and excited about life's adventures.

And that's enough for now.

So what am I scared of?

I wonder what's causing so much hesitance on my part.

The fact that things are progressing so quickly, and yet so well?

That I am still amazed and puzzled that a person can be so intense, so all-consuming, so passionate, that I fear it's going to crash and burn?

The fact that I got out of something that has been a part of me for nearly half my life, and leaped head first into another major thing without a break in between?

This morning, I woke up and wanted to tell my mum about ZW. Cos the whole "I'm meeting a friend" line is getting lame.

And tiring.

And I keep having to worry that I'm going home too late and not having a credible alibi beyond going "mmmm..."

But every time I tried to open my mouth, something gagged in my throat.

What is it? Fear? Fear that I'd be judged by my own mother?

I'm really not sure. When I first told her that I broke up with F, cos the feeling is gone, she gave me a long look, and then yelled "how can liddat? When you get married how?"

Valid point, but I'm still young and idealistic and a hopeless romantic fool and I refuse to accept that.

So... if I were to tell her that I'm in a new committed thing (I can't even say the R word), would she freak out and think I'm just having a flight of fancy? That I'm on the rebound, or that I'm just being.. promiscuous?

It took her so long to accept F.. how can I just throw another guy into her life so soon, right?

Aaarrggghhhh... ZW has been incredibly patient (most of the time)... but I guess he's also wondering what the hell I'm thinking.

I think he knows how I feel about him now... but I guess he worries too that I always seem ready to bolt out the door.

I don't know why I'm panicking. He says I think too much. In my defense, I'm a girl, I'm programmed to over think things.

And the funny thing is, I've even tried to sabotage us. I keep trying to find "deal breakers"... it's almost as if I WANT us to fail, so that I can go "aha!" and prove everyone right that I just lost my mind temporarily.

And maybe assuage my guilt a little.

At the same time, I really, really want this to work. In fact, I want to tell everyone about, and not have to hide that I'm seeing someone really cool. And weird :P

But I'm also trying not to hurt F anymore than I already have..

And introducing ZW to the parents, and my friends.. makes things official. That I really have moved on, probably in record time. And there'd be no more hiding.

Yup, that's what I'm doing. Hiding behind a hazy cloud.. just letting things stayed muddled for the moment. Yeah, I'm a coward.

What's a girl to do?

Closure

I need closure.

Bits and pieces of things that remind me of F are still scattered throughout my room.

If I want to move forward, and put this behind me, I need to remove these reminders.

I think the biggest concern I have now is whether F is doing alright. I need to know that he'll be ok.

Because this time, there's no turning back.

I was thinking about the times F and I have broken up over the years.. and in the last 4 years alone, just during his university life, we've done it 3 times.

The first time, he refused to let go and I didn't push it further, because I still felt so in love with him. So despite knowing that there were cracks, we covered them up with plaster.

The second time, he broke my heart but I refused to believe that we were done. Despite advice from everyone around me, I ignored what my head was telling me and still went for it. In some sense, I think I wore his defences down by simply refusing to back down.

And the third time... well, I guess I broke his heart. Actually, I'm not even sure how's he feeling. Is he in pain? Or is he finding some relief? I simply don't know.

But the issues that we face, or faced... were recurring ones. Things that never truly went away. Despite our best attempts to try to surmount these differences, and yeah, best efforts were put in, we eventually lapsed back into old ways.

People simply don't change. And if I can't acccept him for who he is, I don't think I deserve to be with him. There will be someone for him, who can love him better than I ever could. I honestly believe that. Because in the end, I overwhelmed him with what I wanted, or thought I wanted, and he got lost along the way. And then I became lost too.

Not sure if people can understand this but... I need to be selfish now and stop beating myself up over it. Stop stressing out if he's eating right, wandering if he's cooped up in his house, hoping that he's talking to people about this, and not trying to work things out alone.

I can't call him. I can't text him. I think it'd only make things worst at this point.

I still remember when he broke up with me.. and then msn-ed me a few days later... sure, it made me feel happy and broke my wallowing for the moment... but it plunged me back into despair because he made it clear that he was just checking to see if I was ok. As a concerned friend.

And I can still remember the reaction in my head... it was like, "how the fuck do you think I'm doing? I've been broken into pieces, you bastard!"

And it felt like mixed signals too..

It was during the Hari Raya celebrations, and knowing how much I loved his cousins, he took videos of them playing and sent them to me.

Maybe that's why I thought I had a chance?

But this time round... I know I'm done. There are simply too many cracks to ignore, too much toxic and baggage...

And something great is happening in my life right now.

As bad as the timing is.. and I know this is going to make me look like a complete slore.. but I simply can't walk away.

I've met this amazing guy and it feels like the world makes sense again. That all the attachments to life that were slowly slipping away suddenly feel alive again.

Perhaps some people think I'm just in freefall, or have made a complete mistake... and quite honestly, if I was to look at this from an objective third party point of view, I can see why it seems so crazy. In fact, I'd be right in there, making judgments as well.

But it just feels so damn right. So damn right.

I've only known him for 2 weeks, TWO WEEKS.. and it feels like I've known him my whole life.

We are so comfortable together and around each other, it's almost like we've stopped rushing about in life and have fallen into each other's pace.

It's eery and I'm frightened and almost afraid to take the next step because it can't be possible.

I don't think I've been so spooked out in my life from hearing the "L" word.

I keep imagining that this thing I'm feeling, it's bound to pass right? It's just the hormones talking, and probably, I'm just being delusional.

But.... at this moment, all I know is that a hand has been extended to me, and the moment I reached over to clasp it, I couldn't let go.

The insecure part of me tells me to take things slow, and who's to say it won't crash and burn by next week?

But do I really want to live life so timid, so afraid to step out of my comfort zone?

If I'm going down in flames, I might as well go out in a bang, no?

I wonder when my heart and head will be in agreement.

Met Wern for dinner last night, and let's just say her reaction was not encouraging.

Short of telling me I made a mistake, I think the word she was trying not to use was "bitch".

As a friend, she's standing by my decision. But as a third party observer, what I did to Fadz can be seen as cruel and thoughtless.

And I can see why - if I say I have been unhappy for some time, then perhaps I should have said something earlier, instead of waiting till another guy shows up?

The timing simply stinks. And of course, it looks like I'm doing to Fadz what he did to me all those years ago.

I've been a coward, and I haven't been able to "man" up to my feelings. It's not like I haven't had feelings of restlessness, of uncertainty... but it was simply easier to squash these feelings and dismiss them as merely an "itch" that is bound to go away.

It really, really sucks that I have to hurt my best friend in the process of trying to figure out what I really want in a relationship, and from life in general.

But could I have continued in a relationship that was more "best friends" than "lovers"?

Maybe I have too grand ideas of what love should be, have expectations that are too unrealistic.

But if you don't explore it when you're young, when then is a good time?

Like Wern says, I will have to face the consequences of my decisions, good or bad.

I broke up with Fadz.

Guess there's no need to be cryptic anymore; those who need to know, know.

So for the 2 people who still read my blog...

Everyone has been asking me why? And I'm still trying to find a definitive answer.

Because... "just because" doesn't quite cut it huh?

I don't even know if I was unhappy.. it just felt like I was trying to gloss so many things over - not talking about Fadz with my friends, acting like I was a single girl when he's not around, checkin out guys all the time, ignoring the fact that there was no more spark.

And sad as it sounds, I think it boils down to that. A lack of spark. Sure, I know what a lot of people might say. It's been 8 years, for god's sake! of course there's no spark! But in exchange you get comfort, familiarity.... blah blah blah.

I get it. I understand that intellectually. But emotionally, I refuse it. How can it be that a couple can go days on end not talking, and not feel like something is wrong, or worse, not feel a sense of longing?

How can I be in a relationship that made me give and give, but not feel like I'm getting much in return?

I didn't feel cherished anymore, or wanted, or desired. And since we weren't talking, weren't communicating, weren't meeting... what's the compensation?

And even when I was breaking up with Fadz, he didn't reach out, he didn't fight, he simply sat there and kept quiet. I don't think I can take inertia, or the lack of initiative anymore.

And so.. I'm done.

Is there another guy? Partly, but things are complicated there as well and quite frankly, I'd be smart not to hold my breath in that department.

So I think the best thing I can do for myself at the moment is to enjoy being single.

Who's with me? :)

And so it's done.

I wonder if it's normal to feel so.... calm.

It's not like I feel a great sense of relief or anything, no hellalujah moment. But neither do I feel like the world is closing in on me.

I wonder if this is merely the calm before the storm?

I simply felt exhuasted, went to sleep, woke up. And the world still feels the same.

Denial? Or long time coming?

Huh.

Next move?

Another Cryptic Message

Putting the melodramatics and hysteria aside, I don't think I've been unhappy thus far.

A little frustrated at times, have expectations that are sometimes not met, but on the whole, not too bad.

Think the problem now is that I've been stuck in the same position for too long, feeling like I'm sinking under with each passing day.

Losing a little of myself, losing the zest for life. Settling into a comfortable position and moulding myself into someone with a definitive path that's hard to deviate from.

I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it may not be the best representation of my true spirit either.

Perhaps in time to come, those may be the things I crave, but for now, I'm not too sure.

So now the question is, do I want to continue with a warm, familiar routine that has a low chance of failure barring self-destruction and perhaps work towards that stable piece of mind...

or do I want to leap into the delicious unknown with abandon, not knowing if someone will really catch me?

I think I'm starting to see that the two are not mutually exclusive.

The latter was merely a catalyst that jolted me out of my state of inertia. Maybe things would have eventually come to a head anyway. Made me face my current situation and examine what I really want.

But things have gotten more complicated because the catalyst is also turning out to be an option.

So Joanne, now what?

Crossroads

I'm literally standing at a crossroad, hesitant to take a step in either direction.

Who would have thought such a day would arrive?

And already, I'm splintering into pieces.

Things have to come to a resolution soon. Either in a giant blowout or be eaten from within.

Mmm. Tempting options.

OMFG

My two male colleagues were trading barbs in the office in a very unmanly way, and unthinkingly, I blurted out...

"Can the two of you don't be so gay?"

AND A GAY EDITOR SITS JUST BEHIND ME.

OMFG.

The moment the words left my mouth, I knew I was screwed.

I didn't have to turn around to know that said editor shot me a death glare, which was subsequently confirmed by one of the male colleagues.

FML.

Universal Studios Singapore is mad fun!

Ok, so there are perks to the job sometimes.

And one of it is getting to go for sneaks and premieres!

Got sent for a sneak preview of Universal Studios today.. and although I still had to do a story, it was worth it!


Only managed to take photos of the entrance. After that, it was pretty much Girl Gone Wild.

Screwed up my guts to get onto the Battlestar Galactica.. but the tamer version.


There are two rollercoasters charging at each other at top speed, but I can only take the PR's word for it.

Travelling at 90km/hr, my eyes were closed for most of the ride and I screamed all the way through. Longest bloody 90 seconds of my life.

Also tried the Jurassic Park Rapids Adventure...


Got completely soaked and dizzy cos it's like a bumper car/spinning tea cup ride in the water.

And ironically, I was ok after all the rides, but wanted to puke after taking an SBS bus ride home later tonight. T__T

Another perk of the being the media?


Limited edition lanyard with special USS pins!! Excuse the crappy handphone pic quality.

And of course, I got sucked into the whole LOOK AT ME, SHINY MERCHANDISE allure, and ended up buying this...


Scream!! I waved it in front of my boss and he simply shook his head. Nothing rattles my boss.

Of course, since I'm certified office bimbo, people actually started offering me condolences when David Beckham got injured.

LOL. Good Day.

P.S.: Also did my appraisal today. Less appraisal than complain session.

Somehow, plenty of vitriol spewed out, practically a laundry list.

And then my boss kept asking me if I was serious about leaving after 1 more year.

Huh. I don't think I gave him a convincing answer. So I think I may have screwed up. Corporate bullshit 101: never give anyone the idea you're quitting. that might screw up increments/bonuses etc.

Oh well. We shall see. Either he was serious about wanting me to stay, and hopefully we can improve on my work... or I get thrown into cold storage.

Que sara sara.

The God Complex

Just need to get something off my chest. It's making my blood boil and skin crawl.

See, when I was just a happy little radio reporter, I was surrounded by similarly happy folks.

Folks who are simple, folks who understand they're just doing a job, folks who had a sense of humour, were not overworked to the point of being utter cows, and more importantly, did not have a sense of self-importance.

Fast forward to present circumstances.

I'm not sure what it is about being on tv, but it seems to give you a sense of invincibility.

Like, you're all that matters, every word that drips from your mouth is the golden truth and indisputable, and if something does crop up, cover your ass in triple quickness by foisting the blame onto someone else.

And most importantly, thinking that your opinion is god's word.

So anyway, there's this superior whom i'm not entirely fond of.

It's not a personality thing, it's just a I can't believe I have to stand here listening to you talk when you have no idea what you want and throw 10 billion ideas for a single story thing.

Most time, I nod, space out, utter some guttural sound that remotely resembles a "yes" and pray that it's over as soon as possible.

But said person threw down the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

Long story short, when said auntie who reminds me of those obasans who tattoo their eyebrows and wear artificial bright pink lipstick and highly patterned, tight-fitting, low-cut clothes offers ME fashion advice, that crosses a bloody, bloody line.

And just as a clarification, she delivered it as if it was a sacred word of God and in a highly smug, self-knowing, pitying manner.

EXCUSE ME, JUST BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO DRESS DOWN ON A DAY WHEN I 'M SIMPLY STARING AT A COMPUTER DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE "PROFESSIONAL".

AND FYI ON DAYS WHEN I KNOW I'M APPEARING ON TV, MY KENNETH-COLE CLAD ASS SURE AS HELL LOOKS A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN YOU COULD EVER DREAM OF.

AND ADDING TO IT ALL, YOU REMIND ME TO SHOP FOR JACKETS, AND GIVE ME FASHION ADVICE???? ARE YOU BLIND WOMAN?

The irony of the start of of this post and the latter portion is not lost on me.

Well, you force me on tv, don't be surprised when I turn into one of you self-important people. Except, you didn't realise that I was a mega bitch to begin with, so SUCKS TO YOU.

ok, now i'm done.

Wow, have neglected the blog for a whole month.

Always plan to update but somehow... after the life-force is sucked out of me at work, I barely have energy to wash off my makeup.

Anyway, thought I'd drop an entry about the hazards of being my boyfriend.

Had to do a story about weather (don't ask) and was in NUS to interview a climate change expert.

Since my boss asked for man in the street response about how Singaporeans are keeping cool in the weather, I put two-and-two and made an SOS call to Fadz.

And that's how he got coerced to appear on tv. Teeheehee...

What? Nepotism? Eh no. He's also a man, on the street, with an opinion what.

Ok, shall try to post something about my New York trip soon!!

I Turn 2 In 2 Weeks' Time!

In terms of journalistic experience anyway.

And quite honestly, it has felt more like an eternity.

Does anyone really know what they want to do in life?

On a whim, I tried out reporting.

Lo and behold, it's 2 years and I think I've aged 20 years.

I think my posts have become very depressing.

Perhaps it's just a reflection of how I truly feel these days.

The long hours, the office politicking, the drudgery...

And just when I thought I was done, the company throws me another life line, sucking me back in.

I hope I don't regret my decision.

Feels like I should post a picture or something to break the monotony of the words... haha.. but so lazy... so tired...

Ok, maybe just a few.

I haven't really spoken much about my Laos trip.

Fadz claims he didn't think it was anything great. And granted, it's not a touristy place that has many memorable sights.

Rather, it's the breathtaking landscape, irascible and humorous people who have a long brutal history to share, laidback lifestyle that I miss the most.

Stepping out of my room takes me straight to this crystal clear lake.

Exploring a half submerged cave that's in complete darkness. I'm just glad that I don't suffer from claustrophobia.

And probably above all, hanging out with my best friend.

It's always fun to travel with the significant other. Now I just need to convince him that Syria is our next stop.

New Year Resolutions... Who Gives A Fuck?

I know, I know, it's not like me to get so angsty.

But it's that time of the year where a standard sweep of blogs will reward you with entry after entry of pointless new year resolutions (seriously: 20 new goals for 1 year??) that will most likely never be kept.

I gave up trying to set new targets circa... I can't even remember.

I suppose the feeling of helplessness and the futility of it all was heightened this year, thanks to having to work on New Year's Eve AND New Year's Day.

I bid farewell to 2009 in the office. Too exhausted to go out, I simply went home because all I could think about was sleep.

Think I managed to put in one message to Fadz before blacking out.

And before I knew it, it was dawn and time for me to get to work.

I spent the first half of 2010 alone in the whole goddamn office as other people gradually stumbled in after 12pm.

As the pond scum in my organisation, I was assigned the morning shift to "hold the fort".

Not that I was REALLY complaining. Because I'd take peace and quiet over having to face a stupid monkey ANY day.

As a sidetrack, it's completely farcical and ridiculous for a 34-year-old grown man to pass notes back and forth with another colleague behind my back, because he wanted to bitch about me.

I was so sorely tempted to shoot an email welcoming him to the Age of Technology, and suggesting that email or msn might be a better platform for office bitching.

At least you look like you are working.

Plus, you save trees.

Anyway, it's hard to think about 2010 as a new beginning, when it seems so similar to the old year, doesn't it?

To top it all off, I think the stress at work caused me to have a mild panic attack over the weekend, when I finally got to get some rest.

I called it a quarter-life crisis, but thinking back, it sure felt like a panic attack.

The sudden panic that there was something wrong with my life. The nonstop questioning within me.

Like I've accomplished nothing in my 2 years of work, and there was nothing to look forward to. And the saddest part was, I felt like I couldn't muster enough energy to GIVE A DAMN.

At first I couldn't pinpoint the source of the discontent growing in me, and even began to question if I was unsatisfied with my relationship with Fadz. Luckily, he bore it with good humour and faith (as usual) and talked me out of my hysteria.

But honestly, I wake up now with dread in my heart whenever I think of work.

Oh god, how long more can this continue?

If there is one thing that I want to do this year, is to travel more.

Once I've gotten the wanderlust out of my system, then I'd decide what to do with my life, career wise.

In case you are mistaken, I'm not looking to climb the corporate ladder or be some high-powered executive.

Hell no. All I'm asking for is a job that pays me fair wages, working hours that do not tear me up from the inside, and an environment that actually cultivates learning instead of pure stumbling along.

For now, I'm just trying to channel happy thoughts.

And the travel year is shaping up!

Jan: A highly-anticipated spa getaway to Batam with the KB girls. Nothing like cheap labour and A&W! to rub some tension out of me.
Feb: Heading to the Big Apple and Boston to meet the sister. Can't wait to run my fingers through snow, breathe in intoxicating crisp, cold air and be amazed by the sights, sounds and smells of New York even in winter.
June: Fadz is finally, finally graduating! (no longer dating a student! double income!) Am persuading him that it's worth spending money on a grad trip. Maybe Istanbul. or Bangkok. Maybe Australia. Haven't really decided.
Dec: Maybe finally get to take that long awaited Europe trip with Sylvia, Kristin and Uncle Shawn! Eh Kris, if you reading this.... can still go or not, Mrs Han-t0-be?

Anyway, that's the plan for now.

How am I financing it? Through sheer positive thinking, sucking it up at work for now... and eh, I dunno, praying for money to fall from the sky.